right now beloved & i need your prayers, well-wishes, positive thoughts, whispers to the ears of God, lit candles, and any anything else you can muster.

we are not in a good place right now.

i'm not going to hash out all of our intimate details, because some things are private, but we have been arguing more than talking, and we haven't done either in almost a week. this life is extremely difficult. having to have arguments, as all couples do, via the phone, is completely exhausting and frustrating. having to trust and love across thousands of miles is a test that many fail. the separation, and financial burden, and just the lack of our freedom is taking its toll, BUT i know we are SO much stronger than this & one day will look back on these days and know that because we made it through this, we can make it through anything.

ashe.

crafting the great american novel is almost impossible, and i'm good at setting myself up for failure.

i've always been fairly good at writing. for years i was the woman who came off the bench to save my family's and friend's letters, and essays, and poems. putting words together never took much of a thought, but i was never really sure if they were any good.

although i consider myself the master of procrastination, i've decided to try to master something else entirely: actually writing. in the last post i mentioned that i carried a line in my head for a month, and just decided (or willed myself) to write it down.

on monday i began writing with little more than a rough sketch of my character, and a rickety plot idea. i'm a sucker for love stories, and happy endings, but i know that life isn't always so forgiving and kind. the story i'm writing is...both full of me, and not about me at all. it's complicated, and painful, and exceedingly optimistic.

i am only 3 pages deep, and i'm finding it hard to harness my thoughts into anything i can stand. i'm overly critical of my writing. i always hate it and think it's the worst thing since Eddie Murphy tried to sing. but i'm hopeful and trying REALLY hard not to psych myself out and lose focus. i've decided that in order to stay on track, i will write at least one page per day. at worst, i will have a lot of horribly written prose, and at best, i will have 365 pages of genius (ha!). either way, i'm going to keep plugging and putting fingers to keys.



[sidenote: to my fellow blogger authors (Geoffery? Torrance? Bless?)...know of any good sites and books that help when writing fiction? i'm in desperate need. holla.]

I am a master procrastinator.

I have been saying I am going to write for the longest time. I’ve walked around with the same line, and the same idea for a story in my head for at least a month. Even though I’ve had the itch the write, the need (or perhaps just the want) to write, I haven’t been writing.

Over the long weekend I planned on cracking open my laptop, starting a new, bright, blinding word document, and…writing. This weekend I read. I devoured the book Random Family by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc and marveled at just how much my life was both so similar and yet completely opposite of the lives of those in her book.

Her book is amazing. Although it is a work of non-fiction her words possess the beauty and realness of a novel. I found myself rooting, and hoping against hope that the people in the story came out ok. And then I got jealous.

Whenever I read a good book, I am envious of the author’s ability to connect word to meaning, and meaning to emotion. To weave stories and words and ideas into something so complete and so real, people are compelled to tell others.

I dream of being that dope one day.

I dream of writing words that touch people in a real and profound way. I dream of being more than the 13th man in the literary crowd, cheering others on, but really wanting to get in the game.

Tonight. I cracked open my laptop and wrote down that line I’ve been carrying in my head for the past month. I also began writing the story. It’s not astounding. I am not a fiction writer, but I am a person with stories--many, many stories just waiting to march from my head and onto the page.

At the end of it all (or maybe the beginning?), I hope to be able to share them with you, and welcome you into another section of my mind, my life. When it is all said and done, I hope you will enjoy what it is I have to offer. And if not…hey, at least I tried.

sometimes I sit and wonder how my life ended up like THIS. this meaning a solo wife & mommy, trying desperately to hold it all together…on my own (sorta). I wonder what God is trying to teach me by going through all of this. sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t more dedicated to my writing when I was in the city of dreams. Why I let so many opportunities slip through my fingers. I wonder why I’m still not doing what my heart wants to do. I wonder will I ever be brave enough to just go for it.

I wonder and I wonder and I wonder some more.

When I’m alone with my thoughts I question how we get into the situations that are our lives. I try not to sit and feel sorry for myself, or wonder what could have been if I would have just turned left, and not right, because that’s useless. it’s all spilled milk and there’s no use in crying over it now, right?

When I get into a funk and start feeling all down for myself, usually, something or someone comes along and makes me smile. Lately, it has been my little one. He cracks me up with all of his 2-year-old bravado.

My baby is hilarious. He is starting to “read.” Every morning he runs to the car and starts calling out letters, while pointing to those on the back of the car (“E!” “A!”). Although he hasn’t quite matched up the right letter to the correct sound, it cracks me up. He is so happy to point & shout out letters, it makes me happy just to see him having so much fun. And that makes our commute just a bit more pleasant. I am no longer grumpy, or tired, or feeling down….

I am thankful

I am thankful to see the day break across the sky. Thankful I can pay for extra collect calls on holidays. Thankful for beloved’s sanity (and my own!). thankful for long weekends, and 44 hour rendezvous with my Mr., and cheesecake(!), and holding hands, and cooking dinner for my princes, and reading with my son, and everything I often overlook. I am thankful for the struggle and the lessons God is constantly teaching me, in spite of how much they sometimes hurt.

As the holiday season approaches…what are you guys MOST thankful for this year?

Bless.

i have been in a constant state of motion for the past few weeks: rushing to complete a huge project for school, feverishly grading papers & getting them into the system, and traveling 2,578 miles and back to see beloved for 44 hours.

i am spent.

there are so many emotions and words and sounds caught up in my head right now, but i just can't get them out. perhaps if i rest, they will flow.

soon come.

for now...i'm just saying hello, it's me.

it's amazing how the universe works.

lately i've been feeling as if something has been missing. feeling like i'm spending my life working, and not enjoying my time on earth. in the last post i mentioned that i was searching for my passion, when all along, i already knew.

i love to write. i love to fling my words and thoughts into the atmosphere for people to digest, to enjoy, to discuss, to devour (nightly lol). it's something i've always been (fairly) good at. but yet i continued to hesitate. i continued to make excuses as to why i wasn't writing (no inspiration!), why i wasn't submitting work (lazy!), or why i wasn't working within the writing world (too hard to break into!). all along my issue wasn't about being unaware of my strengths & passion, but rather it has ALWAYS been about doubting myself and being afraid i'm not good enough.

slowly, i have been taking steps to sort of break free of my self-doubt. recently i've submitted to two mags, and just when the idea of (re)starting my own lit journal/press weighed heavily on my mind, last night a friend asked me if he should ressurrect a lit project we founded some time ago. kizmet.

immediately my mind began racing and i started talking a mile a minute about how we could/should/WILL do it. how, this time, we need to be super serious and business-minded and not just take our talent and skills for granted. after all, we have kids and families we need to feed. i think i overwhelmed him. matter of fact, i know i did. he told me my energy was like a bully LOL and we needed to slow down. but i'm so excited. the seed has defintely been planted.

it's crazy.

the moment you make a conscious decision to find ways to be in pursuit of, to try to reach for what you want, to grab it with both hands and believe...the universe opens up and makes room for you.

i am feeling restless.

this past weekend was a pretty lazy. thankfully, there wasn't much going on & i had a chance to rest and relax. but as usual, the weekend felt way too short. too rushed. and as Monday approached, i began to feel hurried and not quite ready to go back to work.

this feeling isn't unusual.

i've felt this work-day uneasiness my entire (working) life. although the jobs have changed, that feeling--the one that tells me i COULD be doing something else--overtakes me. and, as usual i began to wonder.

am i doing what i'm SUPPOSED to be doing?

or is there even something i'm SUPPOSED to do?

hmmm...

i've always been curious about those who are uber passionate about their work. i've wondered how they managed to figure out what makes them SO happy. i've tried to sit, and think, and figure out what would make me jump out of bed and run to work, but i can't quite put my finger on it. there are a slew of things i dig, but not many i truely LOVE.

i've been scouring the web (and my brain) for ways to help me solve this mystery. i know i dig writing. at one point in this blog's history, i posted daily, always wanting to get out a burning thought & discusses things with y'all. i love music. i'm a decent poet (i think). i dig being in the company of interesting people, but finding the passion that taps into all of the things i really can't live without...alludes me.

perhaps i'm just playing it safe.

afterall, i have a son to look after now. i can't be some irresponsible starving artist, hoping my art will pay off. that's selfish. i HAVE to be able to make money (and, i want to be comfortable), so being broke isn't an option. perhaps i'm just afraid to take risks? or maybe, i'm just afraid to fail?

because she has all the answers (lol) i turned to Oprah, her site as least. they have a few articles on "finding your passion." Cheryl Richardson, some life-coach guru, poses questions that will (supposedly) help you discover your passion. it's a fairly long list, but i'm going to try to anwer 5 of them here, and i invite you to do the same (i'm nosey!). so here goes...

the questions (see the full list, here)...

What interest, passion or desire are you most afraid of admitting to yourself and others?
i'm not really sure. i'm not really afraid of admitting any passions or desires. most of my friends know that i write, perhaps they don't know i've always wanted to perform (singing, acting) in some way.

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
hmmmm....be writer, open my own publishing company, and start a magazine. i've always loved writing, it seems SO damn difficult to break into to. i'd write books as well as write for magazines. i've always been a sucker for the glossies & would love to sit across the table interviewing folks.

What do you love about yourself?
my sense of humor. i'm sarcastic as hell, but i'm also pretty damn funny. i love how easy-going and flexible i am. i rarely loose my temper or get stressed out.

What would you do if money was not a concern in your life?
travel & write.

What one thing do you dream about doing that you've never told anyone?
hmmm....i'm not really sure. perhaps that i wanted to have my own magazine, but i think i told a few folks about that. i'll have to think about this one.

When you were young, what did you know you would do when you grew up?
when i was young, i had my heart (or my head, at least) set on being a pediatrician. how typical. i also wrote stories & tried to get my mom to enter them in contests.

How would you like the world to be?
fair.

i'd like the world to be fair & loving & accepting of people's differences and ideas. non-judgemental & safe.

What would you regret not having done if your life was ending?
traveling & publishing a book.

~~
hmmm...i think i see a trend forming. how about you?

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i really tried to write
a poem in honor
of my little one's second birthday,
but nothing sounded right

at about 4am yesterday morning, i was awakened by words. this used to happen to me all the time back in the day, but not so much lately. i was unprepared. no pen, no paper...nothing. and so i tried to remember the words until i got to a pen & paper. but when i sat down to write...i had forgotten.

but poems can only do so much.

there are few words to describe my little one's two years of life and my 2-year stint as somebody's momma (i'm STILL amazed at THAT). you would think i'd have volumes of poems about being a mother, but rarely can i capture these types of moments to my liking.

there is a poem...sorta. perhaps i will edit, fix it up a bit, and post it at a later time, but perhaps not. what's important is that my baby is not really a baby anymore. he is 2! a little man who loves to dance, and color (on the kitchen floor!), and loves cars/trains/trucks, and who's swagger is just like his father's: bold, always smiling, stubborn, and intense.

i have learned so much about him (and myself) in SUCH a short amount time. i have learned to be patient(!!!). i realze now how similar i am to my own mother. how i spit out old sayings at the drop of a hat (child...don't you know fat meat is greasy!) how forgiving & flexible you MUST be in order to stay sane. and just how much you talk to God & ask Him to watch over your child when you can't be there.

despite it all...the difficulties of raising my son without his father's daily presence, the financial sacrifices, the late nights, the early mornings...i wouldn't tade it or him for ANYTHING in this world. my son is SO beautiful y'all, i can't even begin to describe it. all i pray for is that we have many more years together to share, grow, and laugh.

Happy Birthday, baby...mommy loves you! *kisses*

(pic taken by my camera phone. i took this after her encore. she came out to test out a song she wrote in the hotel. check out the hotel pad in her hand. an artist never stops. lovely!)


untitled (inspired by she)

last night     a testimony of words
echoed through wombs
waves of blues met
earlobes    hips and fingers
   pursed as if
waiting for a savior

a philly jawn
honeyed and aged
urgent like
rain in the dessert
weaving stories through time
bringing us
closer
to ourselves

~~~~***~~~
i had the pleasure to see jill perform last night. WHEW LAWD! is all i can say about THAT. you. must. go. see. her. now.

buried beneath a mound
of papyrus i breathe abstract
minds meld time & words
into a revolution of syntax
i break back        pack minds
raw and heavy
even if heads ain't ready
i'm on time
full of grammar and rhymes steady
student of this game
my students name's may change
but i break levies   and brains
be growing like weed smoke
permeating rough throats and sentences
wondering what use this writing shit is

it is
life blood to silenced laughs
the cadence of a smile
before it breaks
face screwed like minds
birthing dope lines that reach
beyond this

it is
more than anything
we could imagine

before we saw it
heard it
felt it in our bones
the difference between what's known
and that foreign shit you only dream about

it is
grabbin paper and
whatever writes
to write your story
late nights when
the lights won't burn
when darkeness inhabits everything
but your imagination

it is
this
it is that
and
it is
everything in between

~*~
didn't set out to write a poem...just wanted to say i've been busy teaching, but it be like that sometime. ~peace

oh how i love black people, young people, and ALL people. how did you spend your Black Thursday?

the little one and i donned all black in solidarity with the cause. i made sure i bought him a black t-shirt last night, just so he could support the movement, even if he didn't understand what was going on. these boys could easily be my son, our son.


(the fliers posted in my classroom)

wednesday, i briefly mentioned the Jena 6 to my students. i was pleasantly surprised when many of them knew SOME, albeit wrong, information about the situation. when i realized HOW confused their information was, i set out to help them to understand the gravity of the situation and how it affects them. i put together a short powerpoint explaining the Jena 6, the significance of nooses & how lynching was used to terrorize blacks, and in particular black males.

they sat in awe.

i saw their questioning faces look up at me for answers. why would anybody HATE in such a way? kids are funny, full of the ideologies of their parents. last year i was frustrated when my attempt at a discussion about the juvenile justice system spiraled into a bunch of missed points. but today...the points were not missed.

during the course of our discussion some of my kids went from completely ignorant, to hating whitey, to hearing & knowing that ALL people (black or white) are not just one way. see, we have to be careful not to get our youth SO riled up they begin to carry around their own brand of hate. i made them remember those (non-minorities) that love and care for them, and then we were cool. we moved from helplessness to empowerment as we wrote letters to the Governor of Louisiana (i will be mailing them tomorrow).

i am so proud of everyone who sacrificed their time & energy to this cause. i am proud of my students and their young, precious, BRILLIANT minds.

today was a GREAT day
but we can't stop
here.

Warning: if you are offended by the n-word & expletives, this post ain't for you. proceed.

BLACK radio is doing it! there is an air of protest and youth-activism that we haven't seen in YEARS. If it weren't for black radio's on air personalities (Michael Baisden, Steve Harvey, and Tom Joyner to name a few) & black bloggers around the globe, many of us would be completely in the dark about the plight of the Jena 6.

I am an avid news/news magazine junkie and I have YET to see a story of substance regarding the Jena 6 on ANY mainstream news outlet. Over the weekend there was a BRIEF story (about 2 minutes) about the Jena 6 on MSNBC because one of the anchors was interviewing Al Sharpton, but other than that...silence.

I am at a loss at why the media chooses to BLACKout the racial issues that continue to plague America. The MSNBC anchor had the audacity to ask Rev. Sharpton if "deep seeded racism" still exists in "pockets" around the country. ummm, HELLO!? sometimes i wonder what planet most white people live on (anybody? explain?). racial inequities continue to exist in the media, in our education system, in our cities, and let's not get me started on the VAST inequalities in the justice system. over 40 years after we marched on Washington, Selma, and Watts...Marvin Gaye (RIP) is still wondering WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?


(phil spector's crazy ass & oj's dumb ass...a media match made in heaven)

The media's lack of coverage is troubling, especially in light of the stories they choose to cover. Michael Vick was all the rage for a while, now it's OJ's turn. *shakes head* I wish OJ would go into a hole and sit down somewhere. this fool, makes Chris Rock's "black people vs. niggas" routine all the more relevant. i'm with Chris...i love black people....but...



I HATE NIGGAS!

and OJ is the coon-ing-ist (yeah, i made that up) ass NIGGA on the block! Damn! even crazy ass Phill Spector, who blew this white chick's brains out, can't even take his shine. OJ has to be fuckin delusional. how a nigga gon' run his own "sting" operation without that shit going awry? how can he NOT realize white people (and now black people) HATE his guts and want to see him wearing prison blues? get ready Orenthal....you're about to be inmate #1234567, a ward of the State of Nevada. bend over, nigga.

*sigh*

i hope i don't sound crazy, i'm just angry. and black. i'm not paranoid either. hundreds of years of oppression have colored my stance on things. being a teacher, a facilitator of young black minds comes with a whole host of responsibilities. i feel as though it is my DUTY to shed light on the plight of our kids. these random news stories are merely distractions. we need to focus our attentions on the Jena 6. many of you probably won't make it to the rally on Thursday (i will be at work telling my students about this), BUT we have been asked (and i am asking you) to wear BLACK on Thursday to show your support for the Jena 6.


(i *heart* mos def & cornell west...preach brovas!)


read up on the plight of the Jena 6, write a check, tell somebody....DO SOMETHING...

please.

Black men are America's most likely crime victims. Even Latino men, who suffer high homicide rates, are much less likely than black men to be murdered. A black man is safer in prison today than living free in Los Angeles County.

*jaw drops*

THIS scares me.

According to the Los Angeles Time Homicide Report, a weekly tally of all the homicides in LA Country, young, black men are safer in prison than walking the streets of LA. I am shocked, appalled, and afraid, especially for my bothers & son.

where have i been?

i am an 80s baby. i grew up in the heart of South-Central LA in the 80s, lived through gang wars & colors, and I suppose, i figured everything had died down. nowadays, when my students come to me refusing to write in anything EXCEPT blue ink, spelling my name wrong ON PURPOSE because they refuse to put the "C and K" together, and claiming they are from "such and such set," I shake my head and can't understand. for some strange reason I thought gang bangin was dead, burried deep in our memories right next to Cube's jeri curl & Raiders jacket. But apparently it's still alive and well in the hearts and mind of our youths.

This year Six Hundred & Seven people have been murdered in Los Angeles County. 607. of those, 180 (or 17%) have been Black Males. An overwhelming majority of them (156) met their demise by the way of a gun.

I don't even know where we can begin to change this (suggestion?).

I'm sure these statistics aren't foreign to other major cities. where do we begin to pick of the pieces of our broken youth? In 2005-06 many news sources did several news reports on the state of Black men in America, but I have yet to read or hear anything about the brothas this year. Perhaps our men are out of style; overshadowed by celebrity gossip and political scandals. But the question remains...what can we do about it?

How do we begin saving ourselves, because it is OBVIOUS, no one else will do it for us. Where do we even begin?

Personally, I am starting with my son. My son has a living, breathing example of how bad decisions & choices can really cause setbacks in your life (his father). beloved and I talk, at length, about our hopes and dreams for our son and how no matter what, he will NOT make the same mistakes we've made.

my son will not be statistic
God Willing
we can keep him safe
long enough to succeed

UPDATE:
Since posting yesterday, the number has gone up to 620! this is damn ridiculous.

(my classroom. pic taken by camera phone)

tomorrow is the first day of school. i have been preparing for/dreading this day all summer. don't get me wrong, i dig my job and my students, however, i am not as excited as last year. but on the other hand (and more positively so), i am not as nervous either. i know what to expect. i know the kids will come, full of energy. full of life and gatorade. hot cheetos and attitude. my students are comming, and i am not ready.

i am still new to this.

fresh in the teaching game, and i kind of feel like this is my first day of school all over again. i wonder, what will i wear? what will they think of me? how will they like the class (and me)? i know i am not supposed to care how the students view me. i am the teacher, after all. however, i don't want to merely be an authority figure who they look for every opportunity to buck. i'd rather be a mentor. a facilitator of words and sounds and thoughts that get sparked somewhere in the back of their mind. i want to be THAT teacher that movies and books are written about. THAT teacher that kids think about every time they are asked, "who inspired you to be....great?"

lofty goals, i know. ambitious. perhaps even foolish. but if we, teachers, enter our classrooms thinking that we can't save them all, or thinking some will ultimately fail...WE will fail.

my kids...yes, MY kids, not by birth but by birth right, are a blank canvas waiting to be filled. they need love and manners and slaps on the wrist. they need us, teacher-folk/parent-folk to stand in the gaps and help them dream.

a daunting task, but i'm ready.

i think.

(attica correctional facility. this pic was taken with my phone. i wasn't sure if you are allowed to take pics of prisons, so i tried not to look so blatant & use my camera.)

and we're back. the little one and i are back from our week-long dance marathon with beloved. it was wonderful seeing him. he hasn't changed much in the nearly 2-months i've seen him, but it did look like his face has thinned a bit (but he still has the belly lol).

seeing him made me realize how MUCH i actually miss him. i know that sounds weird, but somehow i am able to sort of deal with the feelings of him not being here. don't get me wrong, i miss him dearly, but i've been able to cope, i suppose. but seeing him made me consider moving to cold-ass buffalo, even though when he first mentioned it i balked. i still doubt that we'd move upstate, but it has crossed my mind.

beloved is good though, tired of being there, but he is maintaining, which makes me feel a little more at ease. i'm also so worried, especially after we visit, that he will get extremely depressed, but he sounds good. while we were there i got a chance to meet the Imam, whom i bothered so many Saturday mornings to make sure beloved's name was on the program list. he seemed happy to meet us, and he was happy for beloved that we were there. everytime we visit, people seem SO surprised that we would go all that way. but i often ask them...what would YOU do? i love this man with the fullness of my heart, he loves me, we have a son...so it's imperative to keep our family together. i mean, what else is there to do?

*~*
work is starting soon, in a week to be exact. i am SO not ready to go back to work. i've been spoiled this whole summer. every time i'm off work--any job--i wish it could last longer. i wonder if that means i'm not passionate about what i do? or does it just mean i'd rather spend time watching my son grow up? i mean, i am the only documentarian to his growth. daddy can't be here, so it's up to me to record, and capture all of his important moments. who knows...i just wish summer lasted just a bit longer.

on our trip to see beloved, i got the chance to stop in New York City & Toronto. I liked Toronto a lot & wish i could have stayed a bit longer to see what it's all about. it's not especially far from beloved, so who knows...perhaps we can move there. i'd still get the big city feel, in a relatively safe place, with a diverse community (with lots of west indians). but i'd have to visit a lot more & really check the place out. for now...i will enjoy the pictures (and so will you!) lol. be blessed y'all.

Toronto

(i saw that while walking around and just HAD to take a picture. *lowers head* i'm guilty of txting & driving)


(CN Tower--the tallest building in the world--Day & Night)


(downtown T dot O)


NYC


(Times Square)


(posters of B'way plays...i STILL want to see Avenue Q)


(a lake at Central Park)

Niagra Falls

this week i've found myself moving through the streets of los angeles....i've never really stopped to look at my city in detail. found some interesting things, wrote a (bad) poem...thought i'd share them with you...



free stylin...

birth
place color crime rate
blood blue in red
my neighborhoods dead
covered in ashes
weather be classic
times is passin'

south central cries foul
tell me how
one can afford to live
hood's for sale but
we only got blood to give

summer births
rites of passage
sometimes i ask when
brown gon' win
just one of these games
wondering how many
hit the grave before
they go to college
droppin knoledge
InshAllah
it's the way we get through
praying HE grew us up strong
not wanting to do wrong but
options be limited
time is closing in
cash & posers win
and i'm tired of the games

ok, so i have been incredibly lazy lately. blame it on the weather, the fact that i've been off since June, or whatever else the case may be, but day after day i find myself bored, sitting in front of the computer or tv or watching my son play in the park.

don't get me wrong, i LOVE the fact that i'm off for the summer. i wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING (well, except maybe a free house or a million bucks lol). i enjoy not having to get up early, fight traffic, and rush to work just to complain how much i need a vacation. so i'm cool with being off, but i wish i just had something exciting to do. i know, i know...you are probably thinking i should take my son to the zoo or museums, right? i've thought about it, but have yet to take him there. for one, he is young enough that he doesn't really care, and two, i'd rather not go alone. being that beloved is away & my friends with kids are back in NY, i just don't feel like going everywhere alone. it's hard. not only is he the only one i can talk to, i have to pack EVERYTHING under the sun so i can cover the "just in cases" that always come up. i have to entertain him, cater to him, and not really get that in return. it's not his fault..the munchkin is nearing 2, so his world revolves around him, but mommy needs some conversation, someone to talk to as well. and then there are the families...

every time i take my son out i always see lots of families. mothers AND fathers, and part of me is so jealous. i want that to be our family. beloved, the munchkin and i...just hanging out and exploring things together. one day, right? i just wish that day wasn't so far from now.

~~~

lately i have been spending my time focusing on eating better & fitting in some workouts (walking or dvds). so far my efforts are paying off. i've dropped 12lbs since July 6, so i'm happy about that. i guess i am being sort of productive, right?

today i order a few books (classroom management & teaching creative writing) and a pedometer on Amazon.com. now that it's approaching August, i have to get back into the swing of things and start planning for the fall & my new crop of students. i am a bit nervous about returning to work. last year was SO difficult, this year can only be better, but i'm still nervous. ahhh, i guess that feeling will wear off once i'm a vet, right?

just when i was running out of steam, wondering if it's worth it to come to this blog and write about nothing, about random things, about the struggle that is my life, i checked my TPW email and i was greeted with THE most beautiful email from a reader. this is why the old folks say, God works in mysterious ways. i received an email from a woman (hello, sis) whose nephew is locked up. apparently she has been reading this blog for a while and was afraid to write me, and i assume comment, because she is not "in love" with someone who is incarcerated, so she continued reading silently. thankfully, she pushed past her trepidation and sent me an email.

in this email i found...inspiration, validation, and love. i found someone who spoke to the critic inside me who constantly wonders if this blog/my words matters to anyone besides me. i literally starting to get all teary-eyed as i read it, because it was just BEYOND my comprehension that anyone, anywhere would find strength, comfort, or anything profound out of my thoughts. it made me think...made me wonder...how many people are searching for someone to spark a bit of love, some calm, ignite them with passion, grant them solace...and never find that because we are too afraid to share ourselves?

I absolutely love Mos Def, and this song, "Umi Says" is one of my all time favorites. I love the simplicity of his prose, wanting to live a good life, wishing freedom to the oppressed, begging us to share our light, ourselves with the world. no one can contribute what we can. this reader's email was a testament to the power of sharing a piece of yourself...you will get it back a million times over.

bless.

i haven't watched a music video in THE longest time, but i love this one. i happened to be flipping through the channels and came across Common's video, "The People." AYO! he looks BEAUTIFUL! he shook e. badu & the knitted caps, put on some muscle and is looking mad fly! *whew* heard a few cuts from the album (Finding Forever ~ July 31st) & i can't wait!

*enjoy*

the prisoner's wife?

who really knows. we made it back safely after a week of visiting. it was WONDERFUL to see beloved, although the city we stayed in was a bore. he is almost in Canada, he's so far away from the city! but it was great seeing/touching/kissing/holding him. he is doing well. he looks older now. perhaps that is due to the weight he has gained, but he is still sexy!

i haven't posted in...forever. i don't know where my head has been. i haven't written any poems, any letters to beloved, any posts...in such a long time. the words all seem jumbled and foreign. beloved has been wondering when he will get a letter from me, but we talk on the phone almost daily, so i guess i just don't have anything to write. nothing EXCITING is going on here. i am off for the summer. the little one & i are just roaming around the neighborhood, taking trips to the park or bookstore, almost daily. the only new thing is that i've started a new eating plan. i'm giving the Fat Smash Diet a shot. so for the last 7 days i haven't eaten any meat, bread, or sugar. it's not so bad, but i do want a cheeseburger LOL. what can i say, i do like meat! lol

this post is going no where....beloved has an immigration hearing tomorrow, don't know why it's happening so soon, but i guess we will find something out. wish him luck! hopefully he won't be barred from this country for life...*sigh*

i am going to stop rambling now...i pray you all are well.

I.
way too much going on to really recount what i've been up to over the past few weeks. at present, i am feverishing grading a MOUND of papers (procrastination is a mutha!). it's almost midnight & grades are due tomorrow! tomorrow also brings the last day of school (ashe!). i am so happy this year is over & done with. i've learned a lot about myself. learned that i'm not the dopest teacher on the planet...yet...*smile*...i've got lots of growing to do, but i am much more patient than i once thought.

II.
recently i stepped out of my comfort zone & began taking Capoeira--Afro-Brazilian martial arts. after my first class, every single inch of my body ached. i could barely walk, let alone attemp a one-leged push-up! but i kept going. today i am a lot less sore, a lot more confident in my Ginga & ready to learn even more. playing Capoeira makes me feel powerful. i feel like i have the spitit and the energy of the ancestors coursing through my limbs with each movement. perhaps i am overthinking it, but i like the way i feel when i am in the roda.

III.
friday we are flying out to see beloved. i can't wait to see him & this belly he speaks of! it has been over 6 months since i looked him in his eyes and said hello. for a week we will dance, wine & dub on the visit floor...slow & savoring every inch of time.

damaged collateral

I.
yesterday joseph came
home       draped in crimson
muslin smelling       gentle
          white lotus leaves
bowing underfoot

they call him hero
help him
          into the cadillac
hoist old glory
and play riffles
like trumpets in a parade

was it worth it?
               mother sobs
was it worth it?
               we all wonder      angry

he came home
like this

II.
fireworks paint the sky
      orange
               red
                    a ghastly purple
Mosul erupts           a cacophony
of women and wailing
babies struck down

without uttering a sound
we watch
seduced by the blood
pooling silently
beneath our feet

ok, so i've found a glitch in the matrix...you won't be able to see the full layout if you are accessing the web from places that block certain sites (like my job)! that is annoying. i will have to find a new hosting site for the images...but i'll be up and running room. i was up till like 1am working on this site! it WILL work! lol.

bless

so, i was feeling restless & wanted a change.

you like?

(one of the walls in my classroom)


there are 17 days left in the school year (!!!). i have been counting down since day 34. each day my students are itching for me to change the amount of days, and to be honest, so am i.

with each day that falls away from the calendar, i am one step closer to summer. one step closer to hanging out w/ my son. one step closer to seeing (hugging.kissing.holding beloved!), and one step closer to NOT having to wake up at 5:45am.

i'm SO tired

i'm exhausted. teaching has been the most difficult experience of my life. this year has felt like THE longest year of my life. these kids--my kids--ask (demand) for every ounce of energy i have. i leave here feeling tired, drained, but not completely "out of it." my coworker next door says that your first year is all about endurance & survival...and he continues to say that "you just have to think the kids are funny." when he first said that, i thought he was loosing his mind. afterall, he has been teaching for quite awhile (and had just got several teeth knocked out playing softball--crazy!), so i attributed it to burn-out. but he has a point. if i couldn't sit back and laugh at all of my kid's quirks (and manish ways), i'd drive myself crazy.

this year i strived to teach my kids how to be better writers & open them up to new things. i'm not sure how much i've succeeded, but i know where I went wrong, and where i can improve for next year. being a reflective teacher is key to being a successful teacher.

i have come to the realization that i don't have ANY control over what happens to my students at home, on the schoolyard, or in other classes. all i can control is what happenes in room 234. i want my room to be a shelter, a safe space where they allow themselves to take risks, to learn, and to love learning.

i haven't quite gotten there yet, but soon come.

bless

I rarely check my email anymore, but recently I received a note from a woman whose boyfriend is locked up (hello, if you’re reading). She wanted some advice. I wondered what profound bit of information I could offer to comfort and guide her? All of my years of education, and nearly two years of dealing with THIS, led me to one clichéd phrase: take it one day at a time.

Since this journey (and blog) began I have been so full of colliding emotions: doubt, love, blame, dedication, sadness, joy…each fighting for a seat on my train of thought. I have made it through all of this by sheer divine force. It is a wonder I haven’t gone (completely) crazy yet, but we women aren’t afforded the luxury to lose our minds, permanently.

I have my moments, fits of crying—always hushed—where I feel I can’t go on like this, trapped by the distance and loneness. But the alternative…isn’t even in question.

This weekend was the first time beloved and I actually spoke the gravity of the years we are facing out loud to each other.

Ten summers will pass before he is home
Our son will be just about to turn 13
I will be pushing 38
And the world
Will have changed so much

Everyday I question what I/he/we will look like in 10 years. Ten years from now, what will “us” even feel like?

my son is determined
to break his arm

standing atop our
leather ottoman          proud
& grinning as if
he just conqured
        kilimanjaro

last week       he fell
and wailed until
salt caked his lashes
hysterical               he was
comforted with kisses
and coos

i ask my mother
how to keep him
off the furniture

"a boy" she says
"what do you expect?"

twenty-seventh trip
'round the sun         wondering what
this voyage will bring

i am a sucker for love stories
lush
complicated
delicious
stories that speak
to every inch of
i and i

on wednesday, i perused
the bookstore searching
for something to inspire
a depressed student

instead i stumbed upon
Kwame Dawes' magnificant pen

you see, i am drawn
to love stories
set afire in the belly
of the caribbean
full up wit history
and black bodies lovin
themselves and tryin
to make it
in spite of
themselves

last night
i stayed up till 4am
wrapped up in
Keshia and Kofi's complications
their arguments, their lovemaking
wishing
beloved was here to
share it

[hello all. no, this is not a commercial lol...it's just an offering inspired by a great book. buy it! Akashic Books ]

daredevil

17 months       training
     legs arms and toes
exploring every inch
of new
      world

fear lives not
in his heart
    mine surges
when i see him

brown legs jumpping
from tables or chairs
or jungle-gyms or stairs
straining to reach
                     everything

i wonder when
he will be tamed
reckless spirit lost
amid mommy's worring words

beloved's voice came
clear cross rivers
and cities and lakes
and projects and concrete
and razor wire

greeting me
slick and soft like
he was tryin to
win me over
again

i was open

savoring
each word
as if it were my last meal
on earth

i've been missing in action for a while. life is just moving so fast! too many things to catch up on. beloved was FINALLY moved to a facility, after several stints in hospitals. but he's good, coping with the reality of being locked up.

i'm approaching the end of my teaching credential program (praise the Lord!!) & i'm tired. my students know HOW to work my nerves (insert curse words here___________), but Spring Break started today, so hopefully i can rest and regroup over this next week.

and just to add another title to my name...i started a business! things are crazy, but now--on top of everything else--i'm slangin' Mary Kay. don't screw up your face...lol. it's actually been quite a blessing thus far, and i'm excited about the opportunities they offer to women (and families). if you need some skin care/beauty products, holla atcha girl.

i know this was quick, but i'll be sure to check in during the week. i hope you all are well!

dear beloved,

today left me
wanting to feel
something that felt
like you

your voice met me
easing into palms
every inch of
distance evaporating

honeyed recitation
chant to gods
of love and war:

break down the walls
break down the walls
break down the walls

between my lips
and yours

i'm getting the itch
to write
(and send my babies out
to the world
again)

the kids haven't played
in two years

but hopefully
some kind editor will
fall for my verbs and
grant them shelter
in a lovely mag.

i guess,
we'll see.

...but just barely.

last week i was out of commission. my voice did a disappearing act, which made it impossible to teach ANYTHING. i welcomed it as a much-needed vacation. now, on the eve of returning back to work...i don't want to go.

teaching has been...a challenge. i realize now why so many people quit their first year. at my school, we've already had about 4 teachers quit, one lasting only a week. even though i was READY to leave my corporate gig for the land of summer vacation & christmas break, i wasn't ready for the emotional toll and the sheer volume of paperwork teaching required. you'd think i'd know what i was getting into. my father is a teacher, although teaching PE is much different than teaching English. but i'm tired, and it's only February.

switching gears...

beloved has been traversing the prison system for about 2 months now and he's had a few bumps in the road. presently he's in the hospital because they think he's not "managing his stress well." one doctor tried to tell me he was schizophrenic because he seemed overly distrustful of the staff, but he's been through a lot *duh*. his last week on the Island, someone claimed he was a gang member, which sort of set off a bunch of unfortunate events. you see, in jail/prison, if you're a gang member, you're under the constant threat of violence from rival gangs. even though beloved's not a gang member, he was still being threatened and was placed in protective custody, then moved to a hospital in NYC. once he moved from the jail system to the prison system, he was shipped to reception upstate. while at reception, he asked once again to be placed in protective custody, but since he wouldn't "name names" of specific people who were threatening him, they refused. common sense would tell you that if you cite people's names, you'd be putting yourself at even greater risk, but that didn't matter. at any rate, he's at the hospital & we're able to talk, but the phone company--some random company--charges HIGHWAY ROBBERY for phone calls. but we have no other choice, but to stop talking...and that's not an option.

the weekends fly by so fast these days. teaching is a job that doesn't allow much "me" time. i feel as though i'm constantly doing something, and when i'm not, i'm recovering.

if anyone is still reading this...you probably remember what this blog USED to look like. it was cute (like me..ha!). but now it's ordinary, sort of like the words that sit on this page. no spark, no heart. just flat and waiting.

i want to freshen up this space. i want to do lots of things, but i'm afraid they may get burried by life. we are 20 days deep into the new year, and i have yet to make any resolutions. not that that in it self MEANS anything, but at least i'd have a goal. so here it is....my goals for this year...

1. be a better mommy
2. be a better wifey
3. get healthy
4. take control of my money
5. be happy & LIVE life without holding back

so much of my life feels as though its on pause. i want to get my credit & money straight because i want to buy a house. but the other part of me feels...guilty/sad...that i won't be able to inhabit that house with beloved, at least not for a while. i want to do great things in life, but i oft times feel like i should wait to do them with him. it's a constant battle, but i can't put our lives on hold because we're not all together. i'm seriously considering moving back to NY cuz i miss my man...deeply. being able to see him so much over the break just hammered home the necesity for us to be together. and for him to have a relationship and SEE our son grow up--not just through pictures and visits every few months, but to see the changes the munchkin goes through each week--is so valuable...i don't want either one of them to miss out on that experience.

decisions, decisions. whatever i decide i pray i'm making the right choice for all of us. especially me.

life moves so fast & yet so slow all at once. it's been months since i came to this blog and flooded it with my thoughts. things have been crazy and it's hard for me to even know where to begin. so i'll just let it flow...

beloved was sentenced to the max. the judge totally ignored everything. we are appealing, but he began serving his sentence a few days before christmas. he was officially transfered into state custody on the 22nd & we made our first trip (of many) to a prison on the eve of the new year. crazy. who would have ever thought we'd be spending the new year sitting across from a table from each other in an upstate prison? i can't even begin to comprehend the life we have ahead of us: more collect calls, packages, more letters, the distance, the absence...sometimes it's unbearable, but then i remember how much i love this man & it's worth it. to see him play with our son is PRICELESS! what a life, yo.

shifting gears....today is the first day back to school after winter break. i need another week off, but it's not happening. today feels so weird. i don't really have the heart to be here, to deal with the mouths of my students. but alas, i'm here...grinding.

i feel like i should have something profound to say, seeing as i've been gone for so long, but i'm mentally drained. i was in NY for 3 weeks, made the trip up to see beloved every day of last week, and then traveled home and have been going non-stop since Friday. i'm tired, and it shows. i will try to write more. i have been taking my laptop to work and am going to try to write on my off period. it helps to clear my mind.

i wish all of you a blessed new year.

peace.

Survivor

they say your first year teaching is all about surviving...and that's exactly what i'm struggling to do. i've been teaching for more than 2 months now and each day is something new. just as i think i've settled into a rhythm, a comfortable routine, something (or someone) shakes everything up.

so far i've had a few near fights in my classroom, found out one of my students is adopted (she told me so), encountered so many attitudes from manish 12 year olds (can we bring back paddling? Some of these kids need a gentle beat-down), i’ve moved a few failing students to tears (i was gentle, i promise), and many other things. talking to other teachers is like having a free therapy session. we know each other's pains, promises, frustrations, and share the same hope for our kids: success.

when i am teaching i feel....vulnerable, powerful, knowledgeable, happy, frustrated, saddened, tired, and happy as hell. this is definitely the hardest job E-V-E-R!

is it Christmas break YET? i’m tired y’all.

my personal life is….always dramatic. long story short, beloved was convicted and we will find out what type of sentence the judge will dole out next week. for his “felony class” the span is anywhere from probation to fifteen years (crazy, right?). we are both preparing for the worse (gotta get your mind right to handle it), but praying for the best (inshallah). His lawyer thinks he’s a good candidate for probation or something on the low end of the span, but it’s all up to the judge. I will try to keep you posted. I’ve been MIA lately cuz life…is moving way too fast.

By the way….thank you for all of your prayers and kind words. they mean the world.

peace

dear beloved,

wrapping my head
around you is like
listening to coltrane
be bop in the rain

today
we converse staccato
breaking words like beats
between lips and tongue

 miss
      you
wish
      you
were
      in
me
      now

i love it when
you sound so vulgar
rolling my name
between your palms
wet      lips parting
to speak
hello

prayers

beloved's trial began last week and i've been so busy tending to our son, my classes, and trying to support beloved via phones lines that i forgot to ask for your prayers. we are facing a battle, but from what i hear it's going well. i will be shipping off to offer my support in person (and to see my man!) at the end of the week. please, while you are praying for your family, send up a little prayer for mine.

thank you. peace.

Lunchtime Musings

I am here
trapped beneath
a seemingly endless mountain
of ungraded words

trying my best
to play catch up
while catching them
up to where they should be

teaching is a struggle

love and long hours
overdue props
nerves shot to hell
definitely worth
the smile
you get
when they understand
whatimsayin

tune in


i am so excited!

the new season of "The Wire" starts tonight. the overarching theme of this season is education. this season, the wire follows the lives of young 4 boys and shows just how easy it is for kids to turn to crime. i can't wait to watch it. i'm so addicted to anything remotely connected with education, and in particular urban education. i am curious to see how the writers of the wire deal with the public education system. i love this show. the writing is just so adept and dead on, the characters are multi-dimensional, and the acting is extremely moving and realistic. sundays i will be glued to my tv to see what happens next.

mis-education of the negress


i am exhausted.

my first week of teaching is coming to a close, and i never knew i would be this tired. my feet ache, badly. my legs are sore and cramping, and my classes are draining as hell. working at an "inner city" middle school is rough. i have 4 different groups of kids--a "remedial" class, a "sheltered" class, and two honors classes--each requiring their own special attention. and on top of it all, seventh graders are a precarious bunch. they are middle children. they are caught somewhere between childhood and becoming teenagers. they are fighting to create their own identities, or just fighting cuz somebody smudged their pumas.

walking in i had a plan. i would be firm, strict, and yes, perhaps even a little mean. by the way, i'm not mean. i smile a lot. i love to laugh, but at our professional development days many seasoned teachers warned us newbies not to smile until (at least) christmas. word?

week one is almost over and i must admit, i do somewhat miss my comfy office job. my kids are...a handful. they test you. my voice is almost gone, my nerves are wearing thin. i don't want to turn into one of those "SIT DOWN and SHUT UP!" teachers, but i can see how easily it can happen.

on the bright side...you have those kids that have already said my class is their favorite. i already have groupies who want to hand out books, papers, run to the office, clean my room. i feel a bit awkward about using kids to run errands, but other teachers have said it makes them feel involved in the class....so i'm rolling with it.

teaching is definitely not easy, and i'm DEFINITELY not an expert. i am sort of fumbling through a dark tunnel making my way toward a dim and distant light.

hello, it's me

i'm back. i'm alive. saw beloved. he is thin, yet hopeful. we are deep deep in love. kissed for 1 hour straight. our son is growing. he is cruising. i am tired. exhausted. teacher training has begun. am i really going to be ms. __________(word?). crazy. life is moving so fast now. must sleep. must rise early. will be back, promise. peace.

temper tantrum


lately my nearly 10-month old son has been acting a bit crazy. he's very smary, knows what he wants, and when he doesn't get it he pitches a little fit. my mother immediately jumps into "oh no he didn't" mode, while i have been pretty lax about it because, after all, he's just a baby, right?

his outburts--flialing his arms, yelling, crying, and hitting the table when he doesn't get his way--have been happening a lot more lately. it's giving me cause for concern. the last thing i want my child to be is one of those white kids who yell at their parents and fall out on the floor at the mall. i ain't going out like that. but how do you let your child grow up and learn how to be himself, but at the same time, set boundaries so he knows how to act?

sometimes i think i'm a little too relaxed, but then again, i'm just learning as i go. the munchkin is the test kid. my first born. the one i try out EVERYTHING on, so when i have other kids i can take what i've learned and apply it to them. besides, it's really too early for spankings and when i say no he just shakes his head no. i want him to be confident, not shy like i was. he's already very smart. he says "hi" and "yeah" and something that sounds very close to "cat." he loves to be outside and just take in the world, looking at everything. his new obsession is with spitting. it's gross, but cute at the same time (and messy when i'm trying to feed him oatmeal & he spits it out).

i'm learning that parenting is a process. no matter how much i read or ask my mother and grandmother, it ultimately comes down to how i want to raise my child and what i think is right. they may laugh and shake their heads at me, but like them, i'm learning as i go. and hopefully like them, i will raise an intelligent, loving, caring child. i can tell you this though, it's fun watching him grow and change right before my eyes.

travel insecurities



it is not enough that we have to stand in long lines, remove our shoes, get fondled by TSA staff, and be damn near strip searched to ride on a plane these days, but NOW we have to drink baby formula (and breast milk?) too?

i am all for safety. God knows i don't want to end up being blown up just trying to get on a plane, but i am a little weary of the new travel restrictions. i am flying to new york next week to visit beloved, and according to the new mandates, i can't take any liquid on board, which is fine except i have a baby. and babies require food. and the munchkin drinks Enfamil. according to the TSA i'll have to taste it before it can be allowed on the plane. easy enough, right? WRONG! any mom knows that once you pop the seal on the formula, it's a wrap. it starts to expire. so even if my child isn't hungry, has just eaten, and isn't due for another feeding for four hours, i'll have to open up his formula and take a swig to prove i'm not a terrorist?

playing the fear card...

the media is all whipped up into a frenzy. flights have been canceled, people are pissed, and the thwarted terrorist attack may or may not have ties to Al Qaeda. every time there is another story, another foiled terrorist plot, another radical brown person on tv, i feel like the media (or government or whomever) tries to make us all believe we're going to die. they tell you to remain calm, live your life, but every news story talks about what could have been, how many people COULD have been killed, when and where the next attack will occur, and why we need to "remain vigilant" against the terrorist. if i were a conspiracy theorist, i might say that this whole liquid terror plot comes at a mighty convenient time. the US & UK are getting our asses kicked by the international community because we have laid back and let Israel bomb the allah out of Lebanon, and the administrations are in need of a distraction. you know, something to remind the world that there are evil doers lurking around every bottle of Pantene.



Related Tags: terrorism, TSA, airports, travel, terrorist attacks, uk terror plot, travel restrictions, airport security, Airport security measures

wha gwan, star?



i love my man like
cook food
like star apple
mango leaves passion
fruit cool like
breeze over mountains dem

beloved speaks
to every piece of
i and i and we
will make it
cuz love is
stronger
than
this


[ i got inspired by xavier and his blog. i couldn't help but vibe off his poetry. thanks for the inspiration.]

nervous energy


today i woke up feeling horrible.

last night my stomach was rumbling and in pain. i didn't sleep. i chalked it up to nervousness. you see, yesterday, before i left work, i handed in my letter of resignation. it's time to move on, take a short vacation, go see beloved, and come back to start my teaching gig. so, i was nervous about seeing my boss today. i didn't want to feel awkward and have that weird interaction that you tend to have with people after you tell them you're quitting.

this morning, i felt sick, but i figured a hot shower would get me back on track. when i came out of the shower i felt dizzy. felt like i was going to collapse. my son was starting to get impatient. he was tired of being in his crib and sesame street was no longer keeping him entertained. i still tried to keep it together and get dressed, but the more i moved, the more i felt like i would end up crashing to the floor. i knew then that i couldn't go to work. then the dizziness made me nauseous. i haven't felt that sick since i was pregnant. all i could do was lay down and try to call someone to come pick up the munchkin.

i called my mom & my older brother, no one was picking up their phones. when i finally got a hold of my mom, i managed to make the munchkin a bottle and seat him in his bouncy chair. when my mom came to get him, i was passed out on the couch and he was 2 seconds away from eating a quarter.

times like these, i REALLY need beloved. need to call him at work and ask him to come home. to come take care of me and make me feel like everything will be ok. pick up our son, take him to the park, bring me some soup or pineapples. baby me a little.

missing him is tough. i can't wait to see him. speaking to him today made me feel better. hearing the concern in his voice, his calming words, the love that flowed, eased my headache a bit. speaking to him made going to the doctor bearable. he had to TELL me go to. if it were up to me, i would have laid on the couch or the floor for the entire day. hell, it probably would have been more productive than dragging myself to the doctor. she did nothing for me. guessed at my condition. told me that perhaps i had a stomach flu (huh?), then perhaps it was a sinus infection (wha?). told me a sinus infection could cause dizziness and the headaches. i feel like i could have diagnosed myself better if i would have gone to WebMD, but whatever. i do feel better now (no thanks to her). i guess i just needed some rest and to relax. whatever happens at work for the remainder of my time there happens. i'll continue to work hard until my last day.

i'm happy tho. excited to be moving on, but scared. hopefully i'll be a good teacher. hopefully i'll make a difference. hopefully...my class won't be full up with bad ass kids.