i haven't watched a music video in THE longest time, but i love this one. i happened to be flipping through the channels and came across Common's video, "The People." AYO! he looks BEAUTIFUL! he shook e. badu & the knitted caps, put on some muscle and is looking mad fly! *whew* heard a few cuts from the album (Finding Forever ~ July 31st) & i can't wait!

*enjoy*

the prisoner's wife?

who really knows. we made it back safely after a week of visiting. it was WONDERFUL to see beloved, although the city we stayed in was a bore. he is almost in Canada, he's so far away from the city! but it was great seeing/touching/kissing/holding him. he is doing well. he looks older now. perhaps that is due to the weight he has gained, but he is still sexy!

i haven't posted in...forever. i don't know where my head has been. i haven't written any poems, any letters to beloved, any posts...in such a long time. the words all seem jumbled and foreign. beloved has been wondering when he will get a letter from me, but we talk on the phone almost daily, so i guess i just don't have anything to write. nothing EXCITING is going on here. i am off for the summer. the little one & i are just roaming around the neighborhood, taking trips to the park or bookstore, almost daily. the only new thing is that i've started a new eating plan. i'm giving the Fat Smash Diet a shot. so for the last 7 days i haven't eaten any meat, bread, or sugar. it's not so bad, but i do want a cheeseburger LOL. what can i say, i do like meat! lol

this post is going no where....beloved has an immigration hearing tomorrow, don't know why it's happening so soon, but i guess we will find something out. wish him luck! hopefully he won't be barred from this country for life...*sigh*

i am going to stop rambling now...i pray you all are well.

I.
way too much going on to really recount what i've been up to over the past few weeks. at present, i am feverishing grading a MOUND of papers (procrastination is a mutha!). it's almost midnight & grades are due tomorrow! tomorrow also brings the last day of school (ashe!). i am so happy this year is over & done with. i've learned a lot about myself. learned that i'm not the dopest teacher on the planet...yet...*smile*...i've got lots of growing to do, but i am much more patient than i once thought.

II.
recently i stepped out of my comfort zone & began taking Capoeira--Afro-Brazilian martial arts. after my first class, every single inch of my body ached. i could barely walk, let alone attemp a one-leged push-up! but i kept going. today i am a lot less sore, a lot more confident in my Ginga & ready to learn even more. playing Capoeira makes me feel powerful. i feel like i have the spitit and the energy of the ancestors coursing through my limbs with each movement. perhaps i am overthinking it, but i like the way i feel when i am in the roda.

III.
friday we are flying out to see beloved. i can't wait to see him & this belly he speaks of! it has been over 6 months since i looked him in his eyes and said hello. for a week we will dance, wine & dub on the visit floor...slow & savoring every inch of time.

damaged collateral

I.
yesterday joseph came
home       draped in crimson
muslin smelling       gentle
          white lotus leaves
bowing underfoot

they call him hero
help him
          into the cadillac
hoist old glory
and play riffles
like trumpets in a parade

was it worth it?
               mother sobs
was it worth it?
               we all wonder      angry

he came home
like this

II.
fireworks paint the sky
      orange
               red
                    a ghastly purple
Mosul erupts           a cacophony
of women and wailing
babies struck down

without uttering a sound
we watch
seduced by the blood
pooling silently
beneath our feet

ok, so i've found a glitch in the matrix...you won't be able to see the full layout if you are accessing the web from places that block certain sites (like my job)! that is annoying. i will have to find a new hosting site for the images...but i'll be up and running room. i was up till like 1am working on this site! it WILL work! lol.

bless

so, i was feeling restless & wanted a change.

you like?

(one of the walls in my classroom)


there are 17 days left in the school year (!!!). i have been counting down since day 34. each day my students are itching for me to change the amount of days, and to be honest, so am i.

with each day that falls away from the calendar, i am one step closer to summer. one step closer to hanging out w/ my son. one step closer to seeing (hugging.kissing.holding beloved!), and one step closer to NOT having to wake up at 5:45am.

i'm SO tired

i'm exhausted. teaching has been the most difficult experience of my life. this year has felt like THE longest year of my life. these kids--my kids--ask (demand) for every ounce of energy i have. i leave here feeling tired, drained, but not completely "out of it." my coworker next door says that your first year is all about endurance & survival...and he continues to say that "you just have to think the kids are funny." when he first said that, i thought he was loosing his mind. afterall, he has been teaching for quite awhile (and had just got several teeth knocked out playing softball--crazy!), so i attributed it to burn-out. but he has a point. if i couldn't sit back and laugh at all of my kid's quirks (and manish ways), i'd drive myself crazy.

this year i strived to teach my kids how to be better writers & open them up to new things. i'm not sure how much i've succeeded, but i know where I went wrong, and where i can improve for next year. being a reflective teacher is key to being a successful teacher.

i have come to the realization that i don't have ANY control over what happens to my students at home, on the schoolyard, or in other classes. all i can control is what happenes in room 234. i want my room to be a shelter, a safe space where they allow themselves to take risks, to learn, and to love learning.

i haven't quite gotten there yet, but soon come.

bless

I rarely check my email anymore, but recently I received a note from a woman whose boyfriend is locked up (hello, if you’re reading). She wanted some advice. I wondered what profound bit of information I could offer to comfort and guide her? All of my years of education, and nearly two years of dealing with THIS, led me to one clichéd phrase: take it one day at a time.

Since this journey (and blog) began I have been so full of colliding emotions: doubt, love, blame, dedication, sadness, joy…each fighting for a seat on my train of thought. I have made it through all of this by sheer divine force. It is a wonder I haven’t gone (completely) crazy yet, but we women aren’t afforded the luxury to lose our minds, permanently.

I have my moments, fits of crying—always hushed—where I feel I can’t go on like this, trapped by the distance and loneness. But the alternative…isn’t even in question.

This weekend was the first time beloved and I actually spoke the gravity of the years we are facing out loud to each other.

Ten summers will pass before he is home
Our son will be just about to turn 13
I will be pushing 38
And the world
Will have changed so much

Everyday I question what I/he/we will look like in 10 years. Ten years from now, what will “us” even feel like?

my son is determined
to break his arm

standing atop our
leather ottoman          proud
& grinning as if
he just conqured
        kilimanjaro

last week       he fell
and wailed until
salt caked his lashes
hysterical               he was
comforted with kisses
and coos

i ask my mother
how to keep him
off the furniture

"a boy" she says
"what do you expect?"

twenty-seventh trip
'round the sun         wondering what
this voyage will bring

i am a sucker for love stories
lush
complicated
delicious
stories that speak
to every inch of
i and i

on wednesday, i perused
the bookstore searching
for something to inspire
a depressed student

instead i stumbed upon
Kwame Dawes' magnificant pen

you see, i am drawn
to love stories
set afire in the belly
of the caribbean
full up wit history
and black bodies lovin
themselves and tryin
to make it
in spite of
themselves

last night
i stayed up till 4am
wrapped up in
Keshia and Kofi's complications
their arguments, their lovemaking
wishing
beloved was here to
share it

[hello all. no, this is not a commercial lol...it's just an offering inspired by a great book. buy it! Akashic Books ]

daredevil

17 months       training
     legs arms and toes
exploring every inch
of new
      world

fear lives not
in his heart
    mine surges
when i see him

brown legs jumpping
from tables or chairs
or jungle-gyms or stairs
straining to reach
                     everything

i wonder when
he will be tamed
reckless spirit lost
amid mommy's worring words

beloved's voice came
clear cross rivers
and cities and lakes
and projects and concrete
and razor wire

greeting me
slick and soft like
he was tryin to
win me over
again

i was open

savoring
each word
as if it were my last meal
on earth

i've been missing in action for a while. life is just moving so fast! too many things to catch up on. beloved was FINALLY moved to a facility, after several stints in hospitals. but he's good, coping with the reality of being locked up.

i'm approaching the end of my teaching credential program (praise the Lord!!) & i'm tired. my students know HOW to work my nerves (insert curse words here___________), but Spring Break started today, so hopefully i can rest and regroup over this next week.

and just to add another title to my name...i started a business! things are crazy, but now--on top of everything else--i'm slangin' Mary Kay. don't screw up your face...lol. it's actually been quite a blessing thus far, and i'm excited about the opportunities they offer to women (and families). if you need some skin care/beauty products, holla atcha girl.

i know this was quick, but i'll be sure to check in during the week. i hope you all are well!

dear beloved,

today left me
wanting to feel
something that felt
like you

your voice met me
easing into palms
every inch of
distance evaporating

honeyed recitation
chant to gods
of love and war:

break down the walls
break down the walls
break down the walls

between my lips
and yours

i'm getting the itch
to write
(and send my babies out
to the world
again)

the kids haven't played
in two years

but hopefully
some kind editor will
fall for my verbs and
grant them shelter
in a lovely mag.

i guess,
we'll see.

...but just barely.

last week i was out of commission. my voice did a disappearing act, which made it impossible to teach ANYTHING. i welcomed it as a much-needed vacation. now, on the eve of returning back to work...i don't want to go.

teaching has been...a challenge. i realize now why so many people quit their first year. at my school, we've already had about 4 teachers quit, one lasting only a week. even though i was READY to leave my corporate gig for the land of summer vacation & christmas break, i wasn't ready for the emotional toll and the sheer volume of paperwork teaching required. you'd think i'd know what i was getting into. my father is a teacher, although teaching PE is much different than teaching English. but i'm tired, and it's only February.

switching gears...

beloved has been traversing the prison system for about 2 months now and he's had a few bumps in the road. presently he's in the hospital because they think he's not "managing his stress well." one doctor tried to tell me he was schizophrenic because he seemed overly distrustful of the staff, but he's been through a lot *duh*. his last week on the Island, someone claimed he was a gang member, which sort of set off a bunch of unfortunate events. you see, in jail/prison, if you're a gang member, you're under the constant threat of violence from rival gangs. even though beloved's not a gang member, he was still being threatened and was placed in protective custody, then moved to a hospital in NYC. once he moved from the jail system to the prison system, he was shipped to reception upstate. while at reception, he asked once again to be placed in protective custody, but since he wouldn't "name names" of specific people who were threatening him, they refused. common sense would tell you that if you cite people's names, you'd be putting yourself at even greater risk, but that didn't matter. at any rate, he's at the hospital & we're able to talk, but the phone company--some random company--charges HIGHWAY ROBBERY for phone calls. but we have no other choice, but to stop talking...and that's not an option.

the weekends fly by so fast these days. teaching is a job that doesn't allow much "me" time. i feel as though i'm constantly doing something, and when i'm not, i'm recovering.

if anyone is still reading this...you probably remember what this blog USED to look like. it was cute (like me..ha!). but now it's ordinary, sort of like the words that sit on this page. no spark, no heart. just flat and waiting.

i want to freshen up this space. i want to do lots of things, but i'm afraid they may get burried by life. we are 20 days deep into the new year, and i have yet to make any resolutions. not that that in it self MEANS anything, but at least i'd have a goal. so here it is....my goals for this year...

1. be a better mommy
2. be a better wifey
3. get healthy
4. take control of my money
5. be happy & LIVE life without holding back

so much of my life feels as though its on pause. i want to get my credit & money straight because i want to buy a house. but the other part of me feels...guilty/sad...that i won't be able to inhabit that house with beloved, at least not for a while. i want to do great things in life, but i oft times feel like i should wait to do them with him. it's a constant battle, but i can't put our lives on hold because we're not all together. i'm seriously considering moving back to NY cuz i miss my man...deeply. being able to see him so much over the break just hammered home the necesity for us to be together. and for him to have a relationship and SEE our son grow up--not just through pictures and visits every few months, but to see the changes the munchkin goes through each week--is so valuable...i don't want either one of them to miss out on that experience.

decisions, decisions. whatever i decide i pray i'm making the right choice for all of us. especially me.

life moves so fast & yet so slow all at once. it's been months since i came to this blog and flooded it with my thoughts. things have been crazy and it's hard for me to even know where to begin. so i'll just let it flow...

beloved was sentenced to the max. the judge totally ignored everything. we are appealing, but he began serving his sentence a few days before christmas. he was officially transfered into state custody on the 22nd & we made our first trip (of many) to a prison on the eve of the new year. crazy. who would have ever thought we'd be spending the new year sitting across from a table from each other in an upstate prison? i can't even begin to comprehend the life we have ahead of us: more collect calls, packages, more letters, the distance, the absence...sometimes it's unbearable, but then i remember how much i love this man & it's worth it. to see him play with our son is PRICELESS! what a life, yo.

shifting gears....today is the first day back to school after winter break. i need another week off, but it's not happening. today feels so weird. i don't really have the heart to be here, to deal with the mouths of my students. but alas, i'm here...grinding.

i feel like i should have something profound to say, seeing as i've been gone for so long, but i'm mentally drained. i was in NY for 3 weeks, made the trip up to see beloved every day of last week, and then traveled home and have been going non-stop since Friday. i'm tired, and it shows. i will try to write more. i have been taking my laptop to work and am going to try to write on my off period. it helps to clear my mind.

i wish all of you a blessed new year.

peace.

Survivor

they say your first year teaching is all about surviving...and that's exactly what i'm struggling to do. i've been teaching for more than 2 months now and each day is something new. just as i think i've settled into a rhythm, a comfortable routine, something (or someone) shakes everything up.

so far i've had a few near fights in my classroom, found out one of my students is adopted (she told me so), encountered so many attitudes from manish 12 year olds (can we bring back paddling? Some of these kids need a gentle beat-down), i’ve moved a few failing students to tears (i was gentle, i promise), and many other things. talking to other teachers is like having a free therapy session. we know each other's pains, promises, frustrations, and share the same hope for our kids: success.

when i am teaching i feel....vulnerable, powerful, knowledgeable, happy, frustrated, saddened, tired, and happy as hell. this is definitely the hardest job E-V-E-R!

is it Christmas break YET? i’m tired y’all.

my personal life is….always dramatic. long story short, beloved was convicted and we will find out what type of sentence the judge will dole out next week. for his “felony class” the span is anywhere from probation to fifteen years (crazy, right?). we are both preparing for the worse (gotta get your mind right to handle it), but praying for the best (inshallah). His lawyer thinks he’s a good candidate for probation or something on the low end of the span, but it’s all up to the judge. I will try to keep you posted. I’ve been MIA lately cuz life…is moving way too fast.

By the way….thank you for all of your prayers and kind words. they mean the world.

peace