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I am a mommy, scribe, and middle-school English teacher. I am trying to cope with being separated from my beloved. DoUWantMore? email me: theprisonerswife@gmail.com

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Fire In My Eyes

Thursday, August 28, 2008



i feel like
i've been to church
on the brink of
being visited
holy ghost
delivering a word
from the anointed


i feel like
my favorite emcee
rocked the crowd
boom-bap echoing
the cadence of his voice
exploding into head nods
& a call to action

i feel like
change is possible
if we just
give in
to hope

(c) me, right now.
~~

i wanted to write a post. i have so many...emotions...in my belly. but nothing seems to say enough. nothing speaks louder than the truth.


FYI: MoveOn.Org is offering FREE Obama Campaign buttons. Grab one! (i did!)

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 8:22 PM 6 comments

The Second Civil War?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008



last night, after i completely ODed on Democratic National Convention coverage, i was flipping through the channels and stumbled upon HBO's documentary, "The Black List." previously, i'd seen ads about the documentary & made a mental note that i wanted to watch it, but i didn't remember when it came on. last night i broke into the middle of the program and was IMMEDIATELY enthralled in each of the stories. "The Black List" allows the subjects, various prominent black americans, to speak candidly about their life, their experiences and their point of view. i was most taken aback by Colin Powell and Bill T. Jones.

we all have this image of Colin Powell as level-headed, republican soldier, who perhaps does not speak or emphasize his race. i've heard him referred to (wrongly), like many high-achieving Black people, as a sellout or as trying to be white. hearing him speak about race and that fact that he believes that there is a second civil war going on--one in which the educational system is not equal for blacks, and impoverished americans--was eye-opening. i never thought of him in any way connected to civil rights. i respected the fact that he had achieved so much, based on his strong work ethic and drive, but i never really thought that he was anymore connected to the success of other Black folks than anyone else. his story of being passed over for the top spot at his school because he was Black, and his ideas on the inequality of the educational system was refreshing.

the other story that stuck me was that of , Bill T. Jones. he confronted issues of identity, and how we, and others, classify ourselves head on. in the piece he recounted a story that he once said that he was an artist first, and a black man next and received sever criticism from the Black community, many interpreting his words as him disowning his race, as if that could ever be possible. listening to him, a man that pushes the margins of identity through his life and his art made me wonder how important IS the identification of race. i have always toyed with the idea that race does not really exist, that it is a socially constructed idea used to separate and dominate. sure our skin color is different, perhaps that is our ethnicity at work, but underneath it all we are just people. so how important is identifying yourself as Black or white or Asian? and what does it really mean anyway? Bill T. Jones, in all his fierceness, caused me to toy with these thoughts well after midnight.

did anybody else happen to catch the documentary? if so, what were your thoughts. if you happened to miss it, or only caught a portion of it like i did, it is replaying tonight (and throughout September) on HBO.

bless.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 9:58 AM 8 comments

just yesterday

Monday, August 25, 2008

it seems like just yesterday i was celebrating the end of a long school year, preparing to pack up my room and myself for some much needed R&R. just yesterday i was reveling in the long, lazy days of July, enjoying myself by not doing much of anything, but all of that is quickly coming to an end.

i will be officially back to work next Tuesday and as I'm trying to switch my brain back into "work mode," i'm stuck wondering how the hell the summer managed to run so fast. it seemed to breeze by me very very quickly & i just want this last week to slow....down....now.

we spent last week with beloved, celebrating his birthday. and as i drove around Upstate NY it was scary at how well i knew my way around the place. it is sort of like another home, or at least someplace i know very well. i can almost give directions. but it was worth it. we probably won't be traveling back until the air turns cold & snow is threatening blanket the ground. so, this was our last hurrah until then. perhaps then we will have news about the appeal. the lawyer seems hopeful & so are we, but out visit was great. beloved and the munchkin continue to bond, and i'm forced to think of something to say everytime our son asks, "where daddy go?" i know my answer of "we'll see daddy later" will only hold him for so long...but it's working for now.

i know i've been a bad blog-friend. i haven't been online much these past few weeks, forgive me. i will make the rounds & give my hellos. i pray all of you are well & enjoying the last bits of summer. i am hopeful going into the fall though. i learned that our students, specifically our 7th graders (my kids!) kicked butt on the state tests. of each of the grade levels @ our school they had the highest gains, so i guess we (maybe me?) are doing something right. so fall will bring a new group, a new challenge, and a new chance for me to "get it right" as a teacher. this will mark the beginning of year 3, and i realize this is the longest job i've ever had. i've spent most of my working life putting in a year or two, then moving on, but not here. i guess that says something, right?

bless.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 8:14 AM 5 comments

holding back

Sunday, August 10, 2008



i am trying to pretend
summer isn't running
through my fingers
like spilled wine

august has opened up
welcoming the fall
arms wide &
      smiling as if
she's ready for vacation

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 11:24 PM 10 comments

Looking for A Hero?

Monday, August 04, 2008



i.
i love nasir jones. this beat is hot & the song is hella infectious. i heard it while listening to satellite radio in the rental, driving around upstate NY. the song SCREAMS summer to me, and makes me question...or ask myself...do heroes still exist?

what do you think?

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 2:06 PM 6 comments

And We're Back

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


we are back home after a week of visiting. of trying to distill each moment into memory. beloved is well, softer around the belly, but in good spirits. we were blessed to have a "family visit." forty-four hours of normalcy, or as close to "normal" as you can get while being locked into secured area. it's not as dismal as it sounds. we stayed with beloved in a small apartment on the prison grounds. i am always uneasy about being there. i don't feel comfortable not being able to leave, but imagine how he must feel? i kept telling myself that as i felt a bit closterphobic about the gate surrounding the apartments, but we had a wonderful time. watching beloved play with our son, and our son responding in such a way that now i am SURE that he knows his dad is flesh and blood and can lay down a mean tickle & make some good pasta, and doesn't just reside in pictures, made my heart giggle. yes, we had a GREAT time, and i am moved everytime i watch them together.

watching them reminded me of how much our son has grown. how smart he is, even at two, and how soon i will have to explain why daddy can't leave with us. what will i say? i'm not even sure. when we were getting ready to leave the visiting room on thursday and friday our son said, "lets gooo daddy!" and held out his hand. i smiled, knowing he was now sure daddy was his, but i also wanted to cry because daddy could not go & will not be coming with us for some time.

the irony of watching CNN's expose on Black men in America while just coming off a visit to a prison, wasn't lost on me. the visiting rooms are always full of Black men in State Greens, and women visiting--holding them down--with kids in tow. i never wanted this to be our life, never thought i, with all my degrees and education, would be visiting prisons with my son. but this is our life. all i can do now is make sure my son does not end up in the same predicament.

in other news i am completely addicted to ancestry.com. yesterday, i started compiling my family tree. after a slew of phone calls to my grandmother & my aunt, and coping pages from my great-grandmother's family Bible, i am about 5 generations deep on my mother's side, and a 3 on my father's. the linage the men in my family (my father, my grandfather) will be harder to track down. their families are not close and most of the older relatives have passed away, but i have hope. i am already into the 1830s and hoping to reach the 1700s. oddly enough, it has now hit me that many of these names, especially those in the mid 1800s were probably slaves. i'm not sure how i really FEEL about that. i mean, it's one thing to talk about slavery in historical terms, but quite another to know the names of your ancestors who were enslaved. my grandmother told me about her great-grandfather and how he used to tell her about his days in slavery. i know slavery is in the history of just about every American negro person, but to put actual names to the people is quite surreal.

what have you guys been up to over the past week? i want to thank everyone for contributing such wonderful comments to the posts. i absolutely love the conversations and the different perspectives that are being shared! keep them coming!

peace.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 4:54 PM 3 comments

Black In America

Thursday, July 24, 2008



The first half of CNN's documentary Black in America was extremely interesting. It touched on a myriad of issues, but (to me) offered few solutions. I am on the road and do not have my computer, so I wasn't able to blog during or after the show, but I just had a few thoughts...and I am open to hearing your suggestions on how we can begin changing some of these issues.

1. The HIV/AIDS rate among black women is ALARMING, and yet people aren't really talking about it. Thankfully, I am already aware of these issues, but what about my peers? And what about my students? I am a church-goer and yet my church has been silent on the issue. I am thinking that we, as Black women, need to take up arms over this because we are losing our sisters/mothers/aunts/daughters/grandmothers.

2. WOW at 70% of all Black households being headed by women. That's CRAZY! I am one of those 70% and it is not easy. If beloved were home, we'd certainly be raising our son together, but that is not our reality at the moment. How do we even begin changing this epidemic for black folks? Solid families are one of the keys to raising stable, successful kids. How can we expect our kids to compete if their home life is a disaster? I see it everyday in my students. Many are foster kids, and most live with their mother or another relative. They don't even concentrate on school because of all of the drama at home. What can be done about that?

3. Education: Roland Fryer is amazing (!!!). After seeing him the first time on the other Black in America Special, I am intrigued by his work and would love to talk with him. I am a believer in paying kids to do well in school. My parents gave me money for good grades, which in turn made me work harder and later led to an intrinsic love for education, so why not do the same for others (Shout out to Mayor Bloomberg for doing it in NYC)? Some question the idea of paying kids for doing well in school, but as adults, we want to be compensated for our achievement on the job. Since school is basically a child's job, and a means to an economic future, why not steep the fire by providing incentives? Middle-class kids get cars, clothes, and all kids of goodies as a reward, why can't lower-income children be rewarded just the same?

I am rushing, I know, but I am writing from a hotel business center. We are here visiting beloved and have had a WONDERFUL week. I am looking forward to watching part 2 of the documentary tonight, and hopefully stealing a few minutes while the munchkin is sleep to come and write & see what you guys are saying.

Parting questions: Do you think the documentaries did a good job of capturing "The Black Experience"? & what does it mean to you to be Black in America?

bless...

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 3:34 PM 11 comments

Get Your Milk Ready

Wednesday, July 16, 2008



I’m sorry, I thought it was 2008.

On the heels of the New Yorker Cover debacle, we have video of John McLaughlin defending Jesse Jackson’s recent “slip up” by calling Obama an “oreo.” I haven’t heard this term in a very long time, and am surprised that McLaughlin was even able to pull it out of the hat. As if we (Black folks) didn’t have enough to deal with already (education, prison rates, the economy), we are thrown back into the debate of who is and who is not “Black.”

It is extremely problematic to label someone who is intelligent, articulate and a genius “white on the inside,” because it completely devalues the genius of Black people. The idea that those of us who have pursued higher education, can navigate Standard American English, and who don’t fit neatly into to stereotypical archetypes are somehow not really Black is absurd and has damaging consequences.

A recent study found that “acting black” affects the number of black students in gifted programs.

Most of the students were familiar with the terms "acting white" and "acting black." They described "acting white" as speaking properly, being smart or too smart, doing well in school, taking advanced courses, being stuck up, and not acting your race. Terms they used to describe "acting black" were having a "don't care" attitude, being laid back, being dumb or uneducated and pretending not to be smart.

"Tragically, only one student (surveyed) indicated acting black was positive. Instead, the gifted black students… believe that acting black means lacking in intelligence, placing a low priority on academics, speaking poorly, behaving poorly, and dressing in ill-fitting clothes," they wrote. "The gifted black students clearly hold negative stereotypes about blacks, namely their attitudes, behaviors and intelligence."

Sixty-six percent of the students surveyed reported knowing someone who had been teased or ridiculed for doing well in school, while 42 percent reported being teased for this reason themselves.

The authors found discrepancies between students' attitudes and their behaviors—students expressed belief that school is important and a key to success, but may not behave that way in the classroom (entire article).

Growing up, I distinctly remember kids around the way saying I talked white or that I was stuck up because I attended a private school and brought home good grades. I was embarrassed that my parents, especially my father, would brag about my academic achievements to others. Growing up, I didn’t feel better than anyone else, I felt like me. I quickly learned that being smart wasn’t tantamount to being cool, and had it not been for the guidance of my parents, I may have not worked as hard, just so I’d fit in. Today, I see many of my students’ struggle with the same issues. The smart ones are sometimes ashamed of their educational prowess because it ostracizes them from their peers, and the ones that need a little more help are slow to access it because they don’t want to seem nerdy or white. It’s frustrating but comments like McLaughlin’s only steep the fire.

I am troubled by the perception that being Black means being aloof, uneducated, and lazy. Our history speaks otherwise. We come from a long line of revolutionaries, people who worked hard in spite of all they faced, and pure geniuses (Baldwin? DuBois? Brotha Malcolm?). It is painful to know that our children think that, by virtue of their racial make-up, they are inferior and must somehow continue to perpetuate stereotypes to be accepted by their peers.

Although I was not completely enamored with Obama at the outset of the campaign, I am ecstatic that he serves as yet another reminder of the genius of Black people. When I am in my classroom, I can point to him and say, see, that is what acting black, or being yourself, will get you: success.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 10:06 AM 14 comments

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Monday, July 14, 2008




The latest issue of The New Yorker depicts Barak Obama as a turban-wearing Muslim, Michelle Obama as a gun-toting, crazed Negro woman, and Osama bin Laden ensconced in a portrait in the Oval Office, all while the American flag roasts on a fire. According to the New Yorker, the cover, entitled, "The Politics of Fear," is meant as a satirical response to Sen. Obama's right-wing critics.

But did they go too far?

Now, I understand satire, it is meant to be so over the top that people will immediately see the truth. The problem, however, is that there are still large segments of the population that truly believe that Sen. Obama is an unpatriotic Muslim looking to infiltrate the white house. Crazy, right? But some people fall victim to this type of propaganda and fail to research the issues on their own. A recent Newsweek Poll found that...

...white voters continue to be a challenge for Obama, with McCain leading the Democrat in that category 48 to 36 percent. Some of Obama's lag in white support may be explained by continual confusion over his religious identity. Twelve percent of voters surveyed said that Obama was sworn in as a United States senator on a Qur'an, while 26 percent believe the Democratic candidate was raised as a Muslim and 39 percent believe he attended an Islamic school as a child growing up in Indonesia. None of these things is true. Finally cracking the code with less-educated whites could have a big payoff for Obama: 85 percent of undecided voters are non-Hispanic whites and only 22 percent of those undecideds have a four-year college degree.


This is precisely what disturbs me about The New Yorker cover. I can appreciate its wit and its purpose as a satirical commentary on the absurdity of extremist politics, however, as my cinema professor's once said, once you release your art to the world, your intention no longer counts. The perception of the viewer is all that will matter in the end. And here in lies the problem. We know the nature of people, they view images and create their own stories in place of the real thing. So to have such a depiction on the cover of such a venerable publication is, at the very least, problematic for Obama and his campaign, considering people actually think this is the real him.

But what do you think? Do you find the image offensive? What kind of an effect (if any) do you think it'll have on the campaign?

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 2:23 PM 12 comments

If You Had Any Doubts

Friday, July 11, 2008


It's hard to watch or read the news from around the world and still be hopeful. With our economy in turmoil, dragged down by crippled banks and the price of fuel, I'm amazed that people are treating their economic stimulus checks like Christmas cash. I banked most of my check and the rest went toward paying Sallie Mae, but as I walked the mall yesterday I noticed it was crowded with people spending in times where it seems we should be saving.

The news from around the world is even crazier.

Two years ago I blogged briefly about the issue in Darfur & the lack of action by the West. It's amazing to me that, even after Rwanda, people have been slow to act in Sudan. China, the home of this year's Olympic games, is one of Sudan's biggest sponsors, yet we are not holding them accountable for their role in the upheaval. As my mother would say, that would be too much like right. But today, the International Criminal Court, is seriously considering issuing an arrest warrant for Sudan's president, Omar Hassan al-Bashir. Although it seems like the absolute right thing to do, nothing is ever black and white when people's lives are at stake. The UN is worried that any criminal action will anger the president and cause him to lash out at diplomats and Aid workers, who are so desperately needed. It's a precarious situation for sure, and every issue and action seems to be shrouded in shades of gray.

If you had any doubt that ISMs still exists, all you have to do is look at Ohio. I was SHOCKED to found out that a rural town in Ohio was denied water, yes WATER, because its residents were black. Although water lines were laid in 1956, residents did not receive PUBLIC WATER until 2003. Crazy, right? Read for yourself (here).

In France, a Muslim woman was denied citizenship on the grounds of "insufficient assimilation." Although she speaks the language, has children born in France, and is married to a French national, apparently she is too submissive (to her religion, to her husband, etc) to be a French citizen (read). It's easy for us (Westerners) to say that she is being oppressed by her religion or her husband because we don't understand her choices, but those are HER choices. This makes me wonder if something like this would ever happen in America. Like America, France also has the freedom of religion provision in their constitution, however this woman was denied specifically on the basis of her submission to her religion. Our president has already played fast and loose with our Constitutional rights (FISA anyone?), I wonder which one is next?

Although I am an optimist, I am also a realist. Race, class, and gender issues are still a factor in our world today. The presidential race brought many of these issues to light and forced Americans to begin having conversations on these issues, but it's clear that nothing has really been resolved.

On July 23rd and 24th, CNN will air their documentary, "Black in America." I'm interested in seeing & having conversations with you all about it. I was wondering if you'd like to have a LIVE blog event during the program? My idea is, we'd watch the program and basically converse as it's happening here in the comments section. That way we can discuss the issues as they occur to us, and receive feedback from each other. Let me know if it's a good idea and if you'd like to be involved, or if you'd like to watch the program and then talk.

be blessed.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 8:01 AM 6 comments

Dear Jesse, You F*cked Up

Wednesday, July 09, 2008



and jesse responds....



*sigh*
i just have a few words...

1. why is Jesse even on Fixed News, knowing the biased views they spew daily?

2. brotha, in all of your years of being in the media...shouldn't you know the mics are never dead? how are you trying to pass this off as a "sound bite" into a live mic when those idiotic words came out of YOUR mouth?

3. how was Obama's Father's Day Speech talking down to black people? he was merely asking black fathers (all fathers for that matter) to man-up & be responsible for their children. speaking the truth, to me, is never speaking down, it's about saying what's right.

4. i'm tired of our "leaders" apologizing every year for some bone-headed action or remark...can we get some new blood in the movement (*ehem* is there even a movement?).

5. does Jesse even matter anymore?

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 11:51 PM 4 comments

I Want You to Be Fat

Tuesday, July 08, 2008



well, it's settled...it's a conspiracy to keep you fat.

That’s what University of Washington researchers found when they compared the prices of 370 foods sold at supermarkets in the Seattle area. Calorie for calorie, junk foods not only cost less than fruits and vegetables, but junk food prices also are less likely to rise as a result of inflation. The findings, reported in the current issue of the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, may help explain why the highest rates of obesity are seen among people in lower-income groups (more).


stroll any supermarket & bodega around the country and you'll probably notice that fruits and vegetables cost disproportionately more than junk food. yesterday i hit the grocery store in search of a few healthy items: fruit, veggies, boca products, and my wallet took a hit. my total? nearly $70, spent on two lonely bags of groceries. ouch.


(this is what $70 looks like)

i have always speculated that eating out is actually cheaper than cooking (notice how i didn't say healthier). i know, i'm going against all of the budget crunchers out there, but each time i go to the grocery store i feel like i've been stuck-up. i come home with a few bags, and a whole lot less money. it just doesn't seem to make sense.

no wonder we are fat.

in stiff economic times like these, people are forced to feed their families at the expense of their health. people must choose between $9 chicken breasts or $3 ground beef. it's a no brainer if you're broke and your kids are hungry.

the high cost of food, and the lack of high-quality foods in many communities, also makes me think about the obesity rates in inner city communities. is it a coincidence that the communities that have the least money to spend are oft times the fattest?

a study published in the Pediatric News tackled the issue of obesity rates in inner city kids in East Harlem, NY. the study found that kids were inundated by bodegas (corner stores) and fast food joints, but had little access to stores that carried fresh fruits and vegetables.

Proximity and prevalence of these convenience stores, known as bodegas in Spanish, turn out to be an accurate predictor of body weight and waist-to-hip ratio in East Harlem children, according to Dr. Maida P. Galvez of the center for children's environmental health and disease prevention research at Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York. The wide availability of junk food and the relative dearth of fresh healthy foods go a long way toward explaining the rampant obesity and diabetes in this largely poor Hispanic and African American neighborhood.

...In the neighborhood as a whole, there were 10 supermarkets and 9 grocery stores, but 182 bodegas. The latter typically sell predominantly high-fat, high-sugar packaged foods, and very little fresh fruit, vegetables, whole grains, or other healthy foods.(more)


while this study was conducted in Harlem, it can be easily replicated in Watts, Chicago, DC, or any other major American urban city. the startling thing about this to me is that we are killing our kids. a lot of times we blame parents for not cooking the right foods or setting bad examples for kids, but we fail to take a look at the system that isn't set up equitably.

as a child growing up in South-Central Los Angeles, i distinctly remember our local grocery store. the fruits always seemed dented and a little too ripe, the meats were a mixed bag, but there were isles of tasty, sugary, fatty treats. when my mother ventured out of our neighborhood to shop, we saw a stark contrast in the quality of food offered in more affluent neighborhoods. these neighborhoods had bustling produce departments, brimming with colorful fruit and vegetables, some of which i'd never even seen before. they had a bakery department that severed FRESH breads, and the meat didn't look funny at all. at 11, the disparities were apparent to me and it didn't seem right. even though i was young i knew that having access to GOOD foods shouldn't be a privilege, it should be a right.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 9:23 AM 12 comments

A Work of Art

Sunday, July 06, 2008



in my ideal life, the one i used to imagine in my late teens, i saw myself as a cultural maven, hitting cocktail parties, discussing experimental art, writing, and living the lush life. i thought of myself as one of the posh new yorkers that stayed up late, drank cosmos (hey, sex & the city just started), and had THE most interesting life EVER.

and then there's my real life.



on saturday, the munchkin and i dashed off to the art museum in search of mommy's alter ego. of course, from the begining i felt a little lost. thankfully i wrangled my family (mom + brothers) into joining me so i wouldn't amble about confused with no one to talk to.

when we first arrived, i was pleasantly surprised to find out anyone bringing a child and signing him/her up for a (free) museum membership entitled the accompanying adult to also get in free. the next surprise was that if you are a Bank of America customer, you can visit several museums for free at the beginning of the month. so, our tickets were gratis & all we had to come out of pocket for was the parking. yes.

museums are interesting spaces. tons of people talking about color, intention of the artists, and paintings that don't really make much sense (to me). not only am i not art smart, but the language of art...all of the vocabulary that goes along with discussing it, the frames of reference people use, the artists...are foreign to me.

the contemporary art section was a confusing blur. of course you had a few Andy Warhol's, Jean-Michelle Basquiats, and Jeffery Koons, but then you had a room with video and bodies with severed heads. my (younger) brother bolted out of that room as if the chick from The Ring was chasing him. comedy, but it WAS a bit strange. sometimes i am confused about what is deemed "high art." some galleries were fulled with paintings with simple lines, or geometrically-shaped colored blocks that i didn't find particularly fascinating, but who am i to judge? i did enjoy myself, though...immensely. silly me, i forgot my camera at home, so i had to make due with my phone. hope you enjoy the flix (click on the pics to enlarge them).


The Cheech Marín Collection
(yes, as in Cheech & Chong. who knew).


Margart García, "Eziquel's Party"




This "window" isn't made of stained glass. it is made entirely of butterfly wings. i wondered, did he kill the butterflies? or did he wait for them to die, then pluck their wings? either way, it is painstakingly beautiful, don't you think?


close-up of the "window"


from the african art collection


egyptian art collection


south-east asian art (of India)


so i felt inspired by all the art. i will call this, Lady in Red...camera phone + glass + munchkin & me


peace

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 10:05 PM 13 comments

Are You Happy Now?

Wednesday, July 02, 2008



when i found out i was pregnant with the munchkin, beloved struggled with my decision to have him. we were both students, i had just lost my job (our main source of survival), and we weren't married. from the beginning i knew i wanted to usher this baby into the world. not really because i felt an instant connection, and not because i was brave beyond measure, but because my momma always raised me to keep my legs closed, and in the event i happened to get preggo, i'd woman-up and have the baby. and so i did. and this little boy has been an amazing addition to my life. quite honestly, had it not been for him i might not have fought so hard to keep my relationship with beloved together. i might have fallen apart when the shit hit the fan. but i didn't. knowing i had to keep it together, knowing i couldn't draw up into a ball and fall deeply into depression, has motivated me to be the best woman i can be for my son.

i'm sure my story isn't unique. i'm sure millions of other women have found themselves knocked up sooner than they thought, and had to change their course in order to be the best mommy they could be. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if we'd just waited to have the munchkin. when i hear my friends talking about jetting off to the Bahamas or going to some club, i'm a bit jealous. but the question begs to be asked...am i happy? are you?

a recent Newsweek article took a look at a study that measured the happiness of people with and without children. it found that childless people are, according to the study, 7% happier than parents. the article states,
"Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not." (read the whole article here)
so what is it about parenting that makes us both immeasurably ecstatic, but yet less happy than our childless counterparts. i think a lot of us (parents) would reject this study on an emotional level because we feel as though it calls our parenting and the love for our kids into question. on the other hand, i am inclined to agree. although i love my son beyond measure, parenting requires an immense amount of self-sacrifice. i am forever having to put my needs and wants on the back burner for my son. am i resentful? no. do i sometimes wish i didn't have to always be last? hell yes.

in the old days, parents, specifically women, didn't voice their needs. all of their time, money, and emotion was thrown into their children. women slaved over hot stoves, cleaned-up the house, catered to her husband, and buried her own needs and dreams. today, our focus is slightly shifting. our society is more open to mothers pursuing goals and dreams, but somehow it still has to play second to making sure their children are taken care of. and i guess that makes sense. once you decide to have a child, you take on a whole new set of responsibilities. you are now responsible not only for you life, but for theirs. it makes sense to have to put your child's need ahead of your own, but damn if it doesn't suck sometime.

i know you can't always have it both ways, but why do we (women/parents) feel so guilty about putting ourselves first?

if study is correct and children are not the key to happiness, then what is?

i'm not sure, but i think the answer lies in loving yourself. if you do not love yourself and aren't happy with yourself and your decisions, then you will not be a good wife/mother/partner/friend. nothing good can come of a poisoned tree. and no amount of happiness can come to you if you do not take some time for yourself & just love you!

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Posted by the prisoner's wife On 5:06 PM 8 comments

Let Them Eat Cake!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008



i've always had an amazing sweet tooth. good for the eyes, but a bit hard on the thighs! while i was in the grocery store this morning, i spotted those delicious little burgers, umm i mean, cake. the best of both worlds wouldn't you say? just maybe.

summer is panning out to be a pretty lazy affair. after my girliciously busy weekend (read: lots of girly things to do), i've been on complete laze mode. i have yet to wake up early, put on my sneakers and walk to the park for my daily workout. actually, i haven't worked out in a few weeks. i was completely thrown off by the rush of the last week of school, traveling to see beloved, and a week-long training. i think i'm being so lazy to make up for all the busyness of the past few weeks, but it's time to snap out of it.



last summer, i threw on my workout shoes, stocked up on fruits and veggies, took a turn at Capoeria, and dropped 20lbs. i've managed to keep most of it off (give or take 2 or 3lbs), and was am looking forward to doing the same this summer. i've realized that obsessing over trying to lose weight during the school year just isn't my thing. but if i can knock a few lbs off each summer, then maintain, i'll be grrrrrreat!

leading up to my bday in may, i sort of got my workout mojo back. i signed up for podfitness, woke up at 5am, and walked with my virtural trainer, David. at that time i toyed around with the idea of walking a marathon in October. i've since scaled it down to the half marathon, but still...i'm doing it. i tried to enlist my mother, but she wasn't having it. she doesn't see the point in walking 26.2 miles. and truthfully, i don't either, other than the fact it would be a hell of an accomplishment. so i'm switching training programs (see-ya David), buying some new sneakers and a sista gon work it out.

the summer, or any bit of down time, begs to be used to plan out your next few moves. i have always been iffy on goal setting. i've always had grandeious ideas that somehow, either by hook or crook, have come to fruition, but i've never really sat down to plan. but it's about time. i have two months, two lovely, but short months, to make some changes in things in my life. i'm not about to overwhelm myself and self-sabotage before i can even get started, but i will start holding myself accountable. so here it is...three things (i told you i wasn't trying to over do it!) i plan on focusing on this summer...

1. write more often: i've been working on a story that i hope to expand into a novel since november. here's the kicker tho, when i say "working on it" i mean feverishly wrote 4 pages, then put it down for 4 months and picked it back up again. i have always sold myself VERY short as a writer, too uneasy with the title itself. in reality i have lots and lots of stories in my head, and if i just sit still long enough, they will come pouring out. i will pour daily!

2. move you body girl: i will find every opportunity to walk, stretch, lift this body. please believe my goal is not to turn into a gym rat, but i can improve upon my sexy, and i'll do it at least 3 times a week!

3. break outta procrastination hell: it's a sickness! i can't even begin to tell you how much money i've wasted on overdue bills, expired tickets, and things i just let lapse because i always put things off until tomorrow. i jokingly said i would try hypnosis to break out of procrastination hell, but i keep putting it off!

what are you working toward? what goals would you like to accomplish this week, month, or the balance of the year?

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 6:24 PM 7 comments

Easy Like....Monday Morning?

Monday, June 30, 2008


and so it begins, the first FULL day of my summer vacation. i have waited for this day since school began in September (lol) and now it's here. i have NO Idea what we are going to do today. my weekend was pretty full of grown-woman activities to last for a minute. I went to a joint bridal shower for two of my sorors, and on sunday went to church and then brunch with friends. while we were leaving the restaurant, which was beautifully situated on the waterfront, i realized that i've never been to "brunch." sure i've eaten breakfast and/or lunch at that weird in between hour, but never formally went to a restaurant and had brunch. it was fun, and very grown-woman-like. i decided that we needed a regular girlfriends outing of some sort. i ran it past my friends and they agreed. hopefully our lives won't work us out of this idea, because we need it. it's so much fun keeping up, talking about life, and just having a good time. i need more of that. too much of my life is on pause. it's about time i start living for today, while planning for tomorrow. ya know?

so today, we have no plans. i'm halfway looking up info on potty training (ugh!) and homeschooling materials for preschoolers. the munchkin is pretty smart, but i'd like to keep him learning throughout the summer and not just watching Curious George all day (well...starting tomorrow! lol). anybody have any suggestions for books? i'm open.

speaking of books, i just finished Terry McMillan's The Interruption of Everything. that book was GREAT! i've never read a Terry McMillan book (i know, i know), so this was a welcomed surprise. the book was right on time too. it basically dealt with a woman whose life needed to be shaken up, and she's forced to follow what she WANTS to do. i can dig it. i've been writing more and thinking about writing. i've been working on a little side project (hopefully released soon), so i'm at that place where i'm taking baby steps. hopefully i can i will capitalize on my free time this summer to accomplish the things i want and work toward my goals.

so what's on deck for your week? how was your weekend? and what kind of goals do you want to accomplish in the near future?

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 9:18 AM 5 comments

urgent like a mutha...

Saturday, June 21, 2008


(CLASSIC black love moment! Darius sums up the immediacy of love, in such adept words, i had to post this..even though it's grimy as all hell, but still, enjoy!)

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.
~John Quincy Adams


John Adams had a point. patience and perseverance have the ability to change things in many, wonderful ways...but damn if it doesn't take forever!

today i saw beloved, and it took lots of patience, perseverance, and money to make this extremely short trip happen. you see, they had a festival today, which is sort of like a family picnic. it's the one time out of the whole year you can actually be outside, experience the sun, hold hands, and stroll around like teenagers, albeit, within limits. but it's a nice and welcomed change from having to sit knee to knee, across a table in a crowded visiting room.

the festival was cool, the sky was blue, clear and God held back the rain, but the sheer amount of time took for the COs to process us and drive us 100 feet inside the prison walls was RIDICULOUS! if i were new to this whole prison thing, and had a bad attitude, i would have been in trouble. but whenever you're dealing with the Department of Corrections, you already know your time isn't your own. you operate on their time, when they want to move, and when they see fit to allow you to reconnect with your loved ones. it sucks, but it is what you have to deal with to get to the good parts.

coming east always feels like home. even though i'm not a huge fan of upstate NY (i'm bored!), the change is welcomed. one of my favorite things is that you hear new songs on the radio. maybe it's because i've pretty much abandoned LA's urban radio stations for my iPod & NPR, but there are a lot of good songs i've been missing out one. one that i'm LOVING right now is Jazmine Sullivan's "I Need You Bad."



this song is takes me back to when beloved and i first got together. the VERY magical days when we couldn't get enough of each other. soon after i moved to NY, he invited me to a reception for one of his family's friends. it was a muggy, august night in Jamaica, Queens and it was one of the best parties i've been to. beloved is jamaican, so each party is complete with DJ and lots and lots of drinks. the vibe was so lovely, i remember getting tispy, and dancing real close to my man. i remember thinking life couldn't get much better than this: surrounded by the possibilities of a new city, deeply entrenched in the first stages of love, giddy-all-you-can-think-about-is-him-love, and in this backyard dancing to Sizzla and Sean Paul. this song single handedly brings back all of those memories. the music, the riddim feels like an old Marley tune, her voice sounds like Lauren when she fell in love with Rohan. the vibe is there. i played it for beloved when he called and he flipped. he loves it too, it reminds him of me, and him, and home. we both can't wait to get home, wherever that may be and just LIVE.

i pray your weekend is blessed.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 5:46 PM 5 comments

Be A Nigger Too?

Saturday, June 14, 2008



if you have been reading this blog for a while, y'all already know how i feel about Nas. If not, read this, then let me know your thoughts about the vid.

i'm looking forward to the conversations we'll spark off this.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 10:29 PM 9 comments

Story Tellin'

Wednesday, June 11, 2008



because i had to do it again...enjoy.

Gabcast! This Side of the Wall: Notes from The Prisoner's Wife #3 - Story Tellin: Grinding

the first part of a short story i am working on, entitled "Grinding."







excerpt from "Women Who Write Too Much" by bell hooks.

There are writers who write for fame. And there are writers who write because we need to make sense of the world we live in; writing is a way to clarify, to interpret, to reinvent. We may want our work to be recognized, but that is not the reason we write. We do not write because we must; we always have choice. We write because language is the way we keep a hold on life. With words we experience our deepest understandings of what it means to be intimate. We communicate to connect, to know community. Even though writing is a solitary act, when I sit with words that I trust will be read by someone, I know that I can never be truly alone. There is always someone who waits for words, eager to embrace them and holding them close.

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 6:56 PM 8 comments

What You Talkin Bout?

Monday, June 09, 2008



I'm reminded of my first crush
the wobble in my knees, first touch
summer love ice cream cone
nights shared with you
nights spent alone
butterflies, first love
sweaty palms embracing a first hug
I'm moved to say in thought of you
I can't imagine living life without you

~Dwele "Without You"

(this song PERFECTLY describes the feeling i had in the summer of 03 when we met. i couldn't play this song enough. it still makes me giddy when i think of us & this song)

beloved and i have hit a wall.

the uncomfortable feeling of routine has washed over us. our conversations as of late have all consisted of the same things: i love yous, how are yous, how's the baby?, i can't wait to see you. silence. ummm. did you watch the game? silence. ummm. i miss you.

i can tell he's getting worried. the other day he wondered aloud if we were gonna make it, if this is all there is in relation to our conversations.

i reminded him that talking is overrated.

i mean, we talk. we have deep conversations where we spill our deepest feelings, we write them down in letter upon letter, but really...does this happen to "normal" couples everyday? methinks not. i think most people don't spend days or even 15 minutes at a time talking about their feelings. we are not new to each other. we have lived together for years, been together nearly 5, and we are to the point where we are just...familiar with everything. i tried to assure him, and myself, that life gets like this sometime. we can't possibly hold super deep conversations every day. no one does that. we talk about our son, ourselves, work, writing, whatever. that's normal. that is life.

i know all of this wonder & uncertainty comes from the fact that he isn't here. i reminded him that we didn't have long, heart-felt daily conversations when he was home. we mostly enjoyed just being WITH each other, and that is the thing we are missing right now. curling up on the couch, watching a movie, taking a walk, going to dinner, or playing video games. we are missing out on all of the non-verbal conversations we used to take for granted, and it is now worrying him. i try to assure him (and myself) things will snap back to normal when he comes home, but who can really be sure?

Posted by the prisoner's wife On 9:19 PM 10 comments