I'm reminded of my first crush
the wobble in my knees, first touch
summer love ice cream cone
nights shared with you
nights spent alone
butterflies, first love
sweaty palms embracing a first hug
I'm moved to say in thought of you
I can't imagine living life without you
~Dwele "Without You"
(this song PERFECTLY describes the feeling i had in the summer of 03 when we met. i couldn't play this song enough. it still makes me giddy when i think of us & this song)
beloved and i have hit a wall.
the uncomfortable feeling of routine has washed over us. our conversations as of late have all consisted of the same things: i love yous, how are yous, how's the baby?, i can't wait to see you. silence. ummm. did you watch the game? silence. ummm. i miss you.
i can tell he's getting worried. the other day he wondered aloud if we were gonna make it, if this is all there is in relation to our conversations.
i reminded him that talking is overrated.
i mean, we talk. we have deep conversations where we spill our deepest feelings, we write them down in letter upon letter, but really...does this happen to "normal" couples everyday? methinks not. i think most people don't spend days or even 15 minutes at a time talking about their feelings. we are not new to each other. we have lived together for years, been together nearly 5, and we are to the point where we are just...familiar with everything. i tried to assure him, and myself, that life gets like this sometime. we can't possibly hold super deep conversations every day. no one does that. we talk about our son, ourselves, work, writing, whatever. that's normal. that is life.
i know all of this wonder & uncertainty comes from the fact that he isn't here. i reminded him that we didn't have long, heart-felt daily conversations when he was home. we mostly enjoyed just being WITH each other, and that is the thing we are missing right now. curling up on the couch, watching a movie, taking a walk, going to dinner, or playing video games. we are missing out on all of the non-verbal conversations we used to take for granted, and it is now worrying him. i try to assure him (and myself) things will snap back to normal when he comes home, but who can really be sure?