Posted by the prisoner's wife On 12:00 AM
this is not my life anymore
by Wanda Coleman
it belongs to the two moreno tots with starcrossed eyes
feet like mine and wavy brown hair
it belongs to the widow who lives alone behind bars black
enough to resist crack addicts and petty larcenists
it belongs to the woman in Chicago whose cacography reveals
fear of white doctors and whiter walls
it belongs to the mulatto guitarist who dreams of being
knighted by the queen in his next sleep
it belongs to the manchild who wears my frown
Wanda Coleman's poem always makes me ask myself, "Am I really living? Or just getting by?"
It's easy to get caught into a cycle of just putting one foot in front of the other. Familial responsibilities, financial concerns, life...all manage to get in the way of striving to do what you REALLY want to do in life. As women we tend to mother everyone before we stop to take care of ourselves. Until recently, I've been too tired to do many of the things I really enjoy. For one, I haven't been writing as much as I'd like. I've just been too tired to allow the ideas to flow. Soon the tiredness numbs my want to write, and nothing gets written. Sad.
Lately, I've sort of snapped out of it. Perhaps it's because the end of the school year is in sight (8 weeks!), and I'm not AS tired at the end of each day. My classes are sort of on autopilot, working on projects and presentations, and much of my energy is not spent on directly teaching, but rather facilitating the process. It's a nice switch and it's presented me with more energy and more time to think about other things beside work. And I don't plan on squandering it.
This weekend, instead of falling into the comforting lull of procrastination, I actually worked on a few creative project I've been neglecting. It felt good to actually be in motion on something that relates to ME and what I want to do, not just tending to others. Of course, life will not allow me to be completely selfish, I am somebody's mommy after all. But I've definitely gotten my second wind.
Are you living your life or just getting by?