Back to Life, Back to Reality

Yesterday I was jolted back to the reality of this whole ordeal with my beloved. With the trial date scheduled for 2 weeks away, I called his lawyer to confirm that it would actually be taking place on the scheduled date. If there is one thing I've learned throughout this experience, it's that nothing happens when it's supposed to. And because I'd have to make travel arrangements and take time off from work, I wanted to make sure it was still on before I made any moves. So I called and spoke to his lawyer, and as I suspected, the DA isn't ready and the trail won't be starting on time. I am torn. I want this whole thing to be over as quickly as possible so we know what we're dealing with and move on, but then again...I don't want to DEAL with the ordeal of a trial. My beloved's lawyer indicated that he may call me to testify, even though I wasn't a witness to the goings on, but he wants to remind the judge/jury of the type of man my beloved is & that he has a family waiting for him. This is all too much. I am scared to death. I've never had to go to court, let alone testify. All I keep thinking about is Jack McCoy bringing me to tears on cross examination, or becoming so frustrated I just scream. I don't know, I watch Law & Order way too much, but those are the things running through my mind.

It's so funny. My beloved and I both are able to separate ourselves from the reality of the trial, possible prison time, etc. It amazes me that we are able to do this considering he's been in jail for over 5 months now, but it keeps us sane to an extent. I think we'd both be much more on edge if we thought about it everyday. I know he thinks about being away from us, he writes a lot about it in his letters. He does a lot of apologizing to me & our son for "ruining" our lives. I try to reassure him that he hasn't ruined anything, but I wonder how far my words go. Do they stretch out like arms and hold him at night? Do they envelope his ears with the sound of my voice? I pray they do. I pray that we make it though this intact. When he reads my letters, he probably thinks I've gone crazy. The amount of times I tell him I talk to him throughout the day & I ask if he can hear me. The amount of times I demand for him to come back home whole (and now, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.). I hope I don't add pressure to an already pressing situation, but I'm emotional & I feel like I have to share every emotion with him. So far he accepted them with love and returned them packaged in stamped envelopes with smiley faces and hearts. And it makes me smile and cry and laugh. At the end of the day I know that, as hurtful as it is to be apart, God has brought us a thousand times closer. And for that, I am thankful.