Sunday Morning Musings
and me angel
i'm tryin to write this
in honor of your divinity
but i keep thinkin
'bout how lonely
it is to write 'bout
someone instead of
being with someone
and I miss your holiness
and all that
but i miss the man
you are and the man
i love
~from "angels get no maps" by Suheir Hammad
It's 11:40 am Sunday morning & I've already been to church. My little one is napping (thank you, Jesus!), so I'm sitting here reading Suheir Hammad's new collection of poetry, ZaatarDiva, remembering. Her words are full of anger and love and strength. It is a call to arms, for all those reading, to do something to end the brutality that is so prevalent throughout our world. I would definitely recommend picking up this book (and this one too).
This weekend is the first weekend I've taken some "me" time. I'm usually running around doing laundry, buying 200-packs of Huggies from Costco, or vegging out with my son, but this weekend (ok, just yesterday) I actually hung out with my friends. A friend of mine is moving to ATL & we all got together and went out to lunch. I took the little one along because many haven't seen him yet. Of course the whole time they said how beautiful he is & how much he looks like me & how much hair he has. A few asked about my beloved and I just gave my standard, "he's doing alright. He's in New York now though." No one seemed to ask why he was in New York, so I didn't tell them.
These types of gatherings always make me nervous. I haven't "come out" to most of my friends or family about where my beloved is. I'm not good at dealing with things. The way I "deal" is to usually ignore it all together or just act like nothing is going on. I would rather ignore things than face them head on. But it's hard to ignore his absence. We were pretty much always together, so now that he hasn't been seen, people ask, and I tell them he's in NY. Which is perfectly logical since that is where we lived before coming to Cali, so nobody thinks anything about it. I know I will have to tell the truth one day (probably soon). The weight of not being forthcoming weighs heavily on me. I suppose this blog is my effort to build up the strength. Because in all truth & honesty, there is nothing wrong with us. Everyone, I don't care who you are, knows someone who is or has been locked up. So no, there is nothing wrong with us. We are still a family. We are very much in love. He didn't run out on me & our son, yet he still is not here. I am not single, yet I find myself being a single parent. It is a hard concept to explain to some. And I would rather not deal with the judgmental looks of those who may think differently, about me or him, if they knew the truth. I don't want to see the, "oh-why-are-you-still-with-him" look. None of that. So I choose to move slowly & not reveal anything until I am ready. Am I contributing to the stigma I am trying to escape? Probably. But one day, I will break through and shatter it completely. One day.
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It is such a tough hand to negotiate but I think it is important to build up support systems (esp. as a new mommy). People can not support you if they do not know. Don't be isolated so far out that you find yourself out of the reach of those that can help.
Girl, you know who you can tell versus who you just need to smile pretty at.
thank you for your thoughts.
just a point of clarity: my immediate family knows. my mom, dad, brothers, grandma, etc...they all know. it's the extended family & most of my friends that don't know. the people i don't see everyday, the people i know will have something to say, but won't say it to me (i hate that). but they will give me that look. a look like i lost my mind, or a look of pitty. whatever that look is, i don't need or want it. so i'm hesistant to say anything (i've always been this way). but one of these days i will. i just want to know what exactly we're facing before i go public. soon we will know.
once again, thank you both for your words.
Secrets alienate and isolate...I know...I have one. While I had no desire to distance myself from those that I love...the fear of having the secret uncovered has made short work of it.
While I am a firm believer in NOT having to witness to anybody (I've always been one to "keep my bizness off the street"), I applaud you for opening up to family and close friends. They are a support system and though they will never be a substitute for the man you love,be sure to "let" them be there for you.
And...keep writing...it is so cathartic.