i am feeling restless.

this past weekend was a pretty lazy. thankfully, there wasn't much going on & i had a chance to rest and relax. but as usual, the weekend felt way too short. too rushed. and as Monday approached, i began to feel hurried and not quite ready to go back to work.

this feeling isn't unusual.

i've felt this work-day uneasiness my entire (working) life. although the jobs have changed, that feeling--the one that tells me i COULD be doing something else--overtakes me. and, as usual i began to wonder.

am i doing what i'm SUPPOSED to be doing?

or is there even something i'm SUPPOSED to do?

hmmm...

i've always been curious about those who are uber passionate about their work. i've wondered how they managed to figure out what makes them SO happy. i've tried to sit, and think, and figure out what would make me jump out of bed and run to work, but i can't quite put my finger on it. there are a slew of things i dig, but not many i truely LOVE.

i've been scouring the web (and my brain) for ways to help me solve this mystery. i know i dig writing. at one point in this blog's history, i posted daily, always wanting to get out a burning thought & discusses things with y'all. i love music. i'm a decent poet (i think). i dig being in the company of interesting people, but finding the passion that taps into all of the things i really can't live without...alludes me.

perhaps i'm just playing it safe.

afterall, i have a son to look after now. i can't be some irresponsible starving artist, hoping my art will pay off. that's selfish. i HAVE to be able to make money (and, i want to be comfortable), so being broke isn't an option. perhaps i'm just afraid to take risks? or maybe, i'm just afraid to fail?

because she has all the answers (lol) i turned to Oprah, her site as least. they have a few articles on "finding your passion." Cheryl Richardson, some life-coach guru, poses questions that will (supposedly) help you discover your passion. it's a fairly long list, but i'm going to try to anwer 5 of them here, and i invite you to do the same (i'm nosey!). so here goes...

the questions (see the full list, here)...

What interest, passion or desire are you most afraid of admitting to yourself and others?
i'm not really sure. i'm not really afraid of admitting any passions or desires. most of my friends know that i write, perhaps they don't know i've always wanted to perform (singing, acting) in some way.

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
hmmmm....be writer, open my own publishing company, and start a magazine. i've always loved writing, it seems SO damn difficult to break into to. i'd write books as well as write for magazines. i've always been a sucker for the glossies & would love to sit across the table interviewing folks.

What do you love about yourself?
my sense of humor. i'm sarcastic as hell, but i'm also pretty damn funny. i love how easy-going and flexible i am. i rarely loose my temper or get stressed out.

What would you do if money was not a concern in your life?
travel & write.

What one thing do you dream about doing that you've never told anyone?
hmmm....i'm not really sure. perhaps that i wanted to have my own magazine, but i think i told a few folks about that. i'll have to think about this one.

When you were young, what did you know you would do when you grew up?
when i was young, i had my heart (or my head, at least) set on being a pediatrician. how typical. i also wrote stories & tried to get my mom to enter them in contests.

How would you like the world to be?
fair.

i'd like the world to be fair & loving & accepting of people's differences and ideas. non-judgemental & safe.

What would you regret not having done if your life was ending?
traveling & publishing a book.

~~
hmmm...i think i see a trend forming. how about you?

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i really tried to write
a poem in honor
of my little one's second birthday,
but nothing sounded right

at about 4am yesterday morning, i was awakened by words. this used to happen to me all the time back in the day, but not so much lately. i was unprepared. no pen, no paper...nothing. and so i tried to remember the words until i got to a pen & paper. but when i sat down to write...i had forgotten.

but poems can only do so much.

there are few words to describe my little one's two years of life and my 2-year stint as somebody's momma (i'm STILL amazed at THAT). you would think i'd have volumes of poems about being a mother, but rarely can i capture these types of moments to my liking.

there is a poem...sorta. perhaps i will edit, fix it up a bit, and post it at a later time, but perhaps not. what's important is that my baby is not really a baby anymore. he is 2! a little man who loves to dance, and color (on the kitchen floor!), and loves cars/trains/trucks, and who's swagger is just like his father's: bold, always smiling, stubborn, and intense.

i have learned so much about him (and myself) in SUCH a short amount time. i have learned to be patient(!!!). i realze now how similar i am to my own mother. how i spit out old sayings at the drop of a hat (child...don't you know fat meat is greasy!) how forgiving & flexible you MUST be in order to stay sane. and just how much you talk to God & ask Him to watch over your child when you can't be there.

despite it all...the difficulties of raising my son without his father's daily presence, the financial sacrifices, the late nights, the early mornings...i wouldn't tade it or him for ANYTHING in this world. my son is SO beautiful y'all, i can't even begin to describe it. all i pray for is that we have many more years together to share, grow, and laugh.

Happy Birthday, baby...mommy loves you! *kisses*

(pic taken by my camera phone. i took this after her encore. she came out to test out a song she wrote in the hotel. check out the hotel pad in her hand. an artist never stops. lovely!)


untitled (inspired by she)

last night     a testimony of words
echoed through wombs
waves of blues met
earlobes    hips and fingers
   pursed as if
waiting for a savior

a philly jawn
honeyed and aged
urgent like
rain in the dessert
weaving stories through time
bringing us
closer
to ourselves

~~~~***~~~
i had the pleasure to see jill perform last night. WHEW LAWD! is all i can say about THAT. you. must. go. see. her. now.

buried beneath a mound
of papyrus i breathe abstract
minds meld time & words
into a revolution of syntax
i break back        pack minds
raw and heavy
even if heads ain't ready
i'm on time
full of grammar and rhymes steady
student of this game
my students name's may change
but i break levies   and brains
be growing like weed smoke
permeating rough throats and sentences
wondering what use this writing shit is

it is
life blood to silenced laughs
the cadence of a smile
before it breaks
face screwed like minds
birthing dope lines that reach
beyond this

it is
more than anything
we could imagine

before we saw it
heard it
felt it in our bones
the difference between what's known
and that foreign shit you only dream about

it is
grabbin paper and
whatever writes
to write your story
late nights when
the lights won't burn
when darkeness inhabits everything
but your imagination

it is
this
it is that
and
it is
everything in between

~*~
didn't set out to write a poem...just wanted to say i've been busy teaching, but it be like that sometime. ~peace

oh how i love black people, young people, and ALL people. how did you spend your Black Thursday?

the little one and i donned all black in solidarity with the cause. i made sure i bought him a black t-shirt last night, just so he could support the movement, even if he didn't understand what was going on. these boys could easily be my son, our son.


(the fliers posted in my classroom)

wednesday, i briefly mentioned the Jena 6 to my students. i was pleasantly surprised when many of them knew SOME, albeit wrong, information about the situation. when i realized HOW confused their information was, i set out to help them to understand the gravity of the situation and how it affects them. i put together a short powerpoint explaining the Jena 6, the significance of nooses & how lynching was used to terrorize blacks, and in particular black males.

they sat in awe.

i saw their questioning faces look up at me for answers. why would anybody HATE in such a way? kids are funny, full of the ideologies of their parents. last year i was frustrated when my attempt at a discussion about the juvenile justice system spiraled into a bunch of missed points. but today...the points were not missed.

during the course of our discussion some of my kids went from completely ignorant, to hating whitey, to hearing & knowing that ALL people (black or white) are not just one way. see, we have to be careful not to get our youth SO riled up they begin to carry around their own brand of hate. i made them remember those (non-minorities) that love and care for them, and then we were cool. we moved from helplessness to empowerment as we wrote letters to the Governor of Louisiana (i will be mailing them tomorrow).

i am so proud of everyone who sacrificed their time & energy to this cause. i am proud of my students and their young, precious, BRILLIANT minds.

today was a GREAT day
but we can't stop
here.

Warning: if you are offended by the n-word & expletives, this post ain't for you. proceed.

BLACK radio is doing it! there is an air of protest and youth-activism that we haven't seen in YEARS. If it weren't for black radio's on air personalities (Michael Baisden, Steve Harvey, and Tom Joyner to name a few) & black bloggers around the globe, many of us would be completely in the dark about the plight of the Jena 6.

I am an avid news/news magazine junkie and I have YET to see a story of substance regarding the Jena 6 on ANY mainstream news outlet. Over the weekend there was a BRIEF story (about 2 minutes) about the Jena 6 on MSNBC because one of the anchors was interviewing Al Sharpton, but other than that...silence.

I am at a loss at why the media chooses to BLACKout the racial issues that continue to plague America. The MSNBC anchor had the audacity to ask Rev. Sharpton if "deep seeded racism" still exists in "pockets" around the country. ummm, HELLO!? sometimes i wonder what planet most white people live on (anybody? explain?). racial inequities continue to exist in the media, in our education system, in our cities, and let's not get me started on the VAST inequalities in the justice system. over 40 years after we marched on Washington, Selma, and Watts...Marvin Gaye (RIP) is still wondering WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?


(phil spector's crazy ass & oj's dumb ass...a media match made in heaven)

The media's lack of coverage is troubling, especially in light of the stories they choose to cover. Michael Vick was all the rage for a while, now it's OJ's turn. *shakes head* I wish OJ would go into a hole and sit down somewhere. this fool, makes Chris Rock's "black people vs. niggas" routine all the more relevant. i'm with Chris...i love black people....but...



I HATE NIGGAS!

and OJ is the coon-ing-ist (yeah, i made that up) ass NIGGA on the block! Damn! even crazy ass Phill Spector, who blew this white chick's brains out, can't even take his shine. OJ has to be fuckin delusional. how a nigga gon' run his own "sting" operation without that shit going awry? how can he NOT realize white people (and now black people) HATE his guts and want to see him wearing prison blues? get ready Orenthal....you're about to be inmate #1234567, a ward of the State of Nevada. bend over, nigga.

*sigh*

i hope i don't sound crazy, i'm just angry. and black. i'm not paranoid either. hundreds of years of oppression have colored my stance on things. being a teacher, a facilitator of young black minds comes with a whole host of responsibilities. i feel as though it is my DUTY to shed light on the plight of our kids. these random news stories are merely distractions. we need to focus our attentions on the Jena 6. many of you probably won't make it to the rally on Thursday (i will be at work telling my students about this), BUT we have been asked (and i am asking you) to wear BLACK on Thursday to show your support for the Jena 6.


(i *heart* mos def & cornell west...preach brovas!)


read up on the plight of the Jena 6, write a check, tell somebody....DO SOMETHING...

please.

Black men are America's most likely crime victims. Even Latino men, who suffer high homicide rates, are much less likely than black men to be murdered. A black man is safer in prison today than living free in Los Angeles County.

*jaw drops*

THIS scares me.

According to the Los Angeles Time Homicide Report, a weekly tally of all the homicides in LA Country, young, black men are safer in prison than walking the streets of LA. I am shocked, appalled, and afraid, especially for my bothers & son.

where have i been?

i am an 80s baby. i grew up in the heart of South-Central LA in the 80s, lived through gang wars & colors, and I suppose, i figured everything had died down. nowadays, when my students come to me refusing to write in anything EXCEPT blue ink, spelling my name wrong ON PURPOSE because they refuse to put the "C and K" together, and claiming they are from "such and such set," I shake my head and can't understand. for some strange reason I thought gang bangin was dead, burried deep in our memories right next to Cube's jeri curl & Raiders jacket. But apparently it's still alive and well in the hearts and mind of our youths.

This year Six Hundred & Seven people have been murdered in Los Angeles County. 607. of those, 180 (or 17%) have been Black Males. An overwhelming majority of them (156) met their demise by the way of a gun.

I don't even know where we can begin to change this (suggestion?).

I'm sure these statistics aren't foreign to other major cities. where do we begin to pick of the pieces of our broken youth? In 2005-06 many news sources did several news reports on the state of Black men in America, but I have yet to read or hear anything about the brothas this year. Perhaps our men are out of style; overshadowed by celebrity gossip and political scandals. But the question remains...what can we do about it?

How do we begin saving ourselves, because it is OBVIOUS, no one else will do it for us. Where do we even begin?

Personally, I am starting with my son. My son has a living, breathing example of how bad decisions & choices can really cause setbacks in your life (his father). beloved and I talk, at length, about our hopes and dreams for our son and how no matter what, he will NOT make the same mistakes we've made.

my son will not be statistic
God Willing
we can keep him safe
long enough to succeed

UPDATE:
Since posting yesterday, the number has gone up to 620! this is damn ridiculous.

(my classroom. pic taken by camera phone)

tomorrow is the first day of school. i have been preparing for/dreading this day all summer. don't get me wrong, i dig my job and my students, however, i am not as excited as last year. but on the other hand (and more positively so), i am not as nervous either. i know what to expect. i know the kids will come, full of energy. full of life and gatorade. hot cheetos and attitude. my students are comming, and i am not ready.

i am still new to this.

fresh in the teaching game, and i kind of feel like this is my first day of school all over again. i wonder, what will i wear? what will they think of me? how will they like the class (and me)? i know i am not supposed to care how the students view me. i am the teacher, after all. however, i don't want to merely be an authority figure who they look for every opportunity to buck. i'd rather be a mentor. a facilitator of words and sounds and thoughts that get sparked somewhere in the back of their mind. i want to be THAT teacher that movies and books are written about. THAT teacher that kids think about every time they are asked, "who inspired you to be....great?"

lofty goals, i know. ambitious. perhaps even foolish. but if we, teachers, enter our classrooms thinking that we can't save them all, or thinking some will ultimately fail...WE will fail.

my kids...yes, MY kids, not by birth but by birth right, are a blank canvas waiting to be filled. they need love and manners and slaps on the wrist. they need us, teacher-folk/parent-folk to stand in the gaps and help them dream.

a daunting task, but i'm ready.

i think.

(attica correctional facility. this pic was taken with my phone. i wasn't sure if you are allowed to take pics of prisons, so i tried not to look so blatant & use my camera.)

and we're back. the little one and i are back from our week-long dance marathon with beloved. it was wonderful seeing him. he hasn't changed much in the nearly 2-months i've seen him, but it did look like his face has thinned a bit (but he still has the belly lol).

seeing him made me realize how MUCH i actually miss him. i know that sounds weird, but somehow i am able to sort of deal with the feelings of him not being here. don't get me wrong, i miss him dearly, but i've been able to cope, i suppose. but seeing him made me consider moving to cold-ass buffalo, even though when he first mentioned it i balked. i still doubt that we'd move upstate, but it has crossed my mind.

beloved is good though, tired of being there, but he is maintaining, which makes me feel a little more at ease. i'm also so worried, especially after we visit, that he will get extremely depressed, but he sounds good. while we were there i got a chance to meet the Imam, whom i bothered so many Saturday mornings to make sure beloved's name was on the program list. he seemed happy to meet us, and he was happy for beloved that we were there. everytime we visit, people seem SO surprised that we would go all that way. but i often ask them...what would YOU do? i love this man with the fullness of my heart, he loves me, we have a son...so it's imperative to keep our family together. i mean, what else is there to do?

*~*
work is starting soon, in a week to be exact. i am SO not ready to go back to work. i've been spoiled this whole summer. every time i'm off work--any job--i wish it could last longer. i wonder if that means i'm not passionate about what i do? or does it just mean i'd rather spend time watching my son grow up? i mean, i am the only documentarian to his growth. daddy can't be here, so it's up to me to record, and capture all of his important moments. who knows...i just wish summer lasted just a bit longer.

on our trip to see beloved, i got the chance to stop in New York City & Toronto. I liked Toronto a lot & wish i could have stayed a bit longer to see what it's all about. it's not especially far from beloved, so who knows...perhaps we can move there. i'd still get the big city feel, in a relatively safe place, with a diverse community (with lots of west indians). but i'd have to visit a lot more & really check the place out. for now...i will enjoy the pictures (and so will you!) lol. be blessed y'all.

Toronto

(i saw that while walking around and just HAD to take a picture. *lowers head* i'm guilty of txting & driving)


(CN Tower--the tallest building in the world--Day & Night)


(downtown T dot O)


NYC


(Times Square)


(posters of B'way plays...i STILL want to see Avenue Q)


(a lake at Central Park)

Niagra Falls

this week i've found myself moving through the streets of los angeles....i've never really stopped to look at my city in detail. found some interesting things, wrote a (bad) poem...thought i'd share them with you...



free stylin...

birth
place color crime rate
blood blue in red
my neighborhoods dead
covered in ashes
weather be classic
times is passin'

south central cries foul
tell me how
one can afford to live
hood's for sale but
we only got blood to give

summer births
rites of passage
sometimes i ask when
brown gon' win
just one of these games
wondering how many
hit the grave before
they go to college
droppin knoledge
InshAllah
it's the way we get through
praying HE grew us up strong
not wanting to do wrong but
options be limited
time is closing in
cash & posers win
and i'm tired of the games

ok, so i have been incredibly lazy lately. blame it on the weather, the fact that i've been off since June, or whatever else the case may be, but day after day i find myself bored, sitting in front of the computer or tv or watching my son play in the park.

don't get me wrong, i LOVE the fact that i'm off for the summer. i wouldn't trade that for ANYTHING (well, except maybe a free house or a million bucks lol). i enjoy not having to get up early, fight traffic, and rush to work just to complain how much i need a vacation. so i'm cool with being off, but i wish i just had something exciting to do. i know, i know...you are probably thinking i should take my son to the zoo or museums, right? i've thought about it, but have yet to take him there. for one, he is young enough that he doesn't really care, and two, i'd rather not go alone. being that beloved is away & my friends with kids are back in NY, i just don't feel like going everywhere alone. it's hard. not only is he the only one i can talk to, i have to pack EVERYTHING under the sun so i can cover the "just in cases" that always come up. i have to entertain him, cater to him, and not really get that in return. it's not his fault..the munchkin is nearing 2, so his world revolves around him, but mommy needs some conversation, someone to talk to as well. and then there are the families...

every time i take my son out i always see lots of families. mothers AND fathers, and part of me is so jealous. i want that to be our family. beloved, the munchkin and i...just hanging out and exploring things together. one day, right? i just wish that day wasn't so far from now.

~~~

lately i have been spending my time focusing on eating better & fitting in some workouts (walking or dvds). so far my efforts are paying off. i've dropped 12lbs since July 6, so i'm happy about that. i guess i am being sort of productive, right?

today i order a few books (classroom management & teaching creative writing) and a pedometer on Amazon.com. now that it's approaching August, i have to get back into the swing of things and start planning for the fall & my new crop of students. i am a bit nervous about returning to work. last year was SO difficult, this year can only be better, but i'm still nervous. ahhh, i guess that feeling will wear off once i'm a vet, right?

just when i was running out of steam, wondering if it's worth it to come to this blog and write about nothing, about random things, about the struggle that is my life, i checked my TPW email and i was greeted with THE most beautiful email from a reader. this is why the old folks say, God works in mysterious ways. i received an email from a woman (hello, sis) whose nephew is locked up. apparently she has been reading this blog for a while and was afraid to write me, and i assume comment, because she is not "in love" with someone who is incarcerated, so she continued reading silently. thankfully, she pushed past her trepidation and sent me an email.

in this email i found...inspiration, validation, and love. i found someone who spoke to the critic inside me who constantly wonders if this blog/my words matters to anyone besides me. i literally starting to get all teary-eyed as i read it, because it was just BEYOND my comprehension that anyone, anywhere would find strength, comfort, or anything profound out of my thoughts. it made me think...made me wonder...how many people are searching for someone to spark a bit of love, some calm, ignite them with passion, grant them solace...and never find that because we are too afraid to share ourselves?

I absolutely love Mos Def, and this song, "Umi Says" is one of my all time favorites. I love the simplicity of his prose, wanting to live a good life, wishing freedom to the oppressed, begging us to share our light, ourselves with the world. no one can contribute what we can. this reader's email was a testament to the power of sharing a piece of yourself...you will get it back a million times over.

bless.

i haven't watched a music video in THE longest time, but i love this one. i happened to be flipping through the channels and came across Common's video, "The People." AYO! he looks BEAUTIFUL! he shook e. badu & the knitted caps, put on some muscle and is looking mad fly! *whew* heard a few cuts from the album (Finding Forever ~ July 31st) & i can't wait!

*enjoy*

the prisoner's wife?

who really knows. we made it back safely after a week of visiting. it was WONDERFUL to see beloved, although the city we stayed in was a bore. he is almost in Canada, he's so far away from the city! but it was great seeing/touching/kissing/holding him. he is doing well. he looks older now. perhaps that is due to the weight he has gained, but he is still sexy!

i haven't posted in...forever. i don't know where my head has been. i haven't written any poems, any letters to beloved, any posts...in such a long time. the words all seem jumbled and foreign. beloved has been wondering when he will get a letter from me, but we talk on the phone almost daily, so i guess i just don't have anything to write. nothing EXCITING is going on here. i am off for the summer. the little one & i are just roaming around the neighborhood, taking trips to the park or bookstore, almost daily. the only new thing is that i've started a new eating plan. i'm giving the Fat Smash Diet a shot. so for the last 7 days i haven't eaten any meat, bread, or sugar. it's not so bad, but i do want a cheeseburger LOL. what can i say, i do like meat! lol

this post is going no where....beloved has an immigration hearing tomorrow, don't know why it's happening so soon, but i guess we will find something out. wish him luck! hopefully he won't be barred from this country for life...*sigh*

i am going to stop rambling now...i pray you all are well.

I.
way too much going on to really recount what i've been up to over the past few weeks. at present, i am feverishing grading a MOUND of papers (procrastination is a mutha!). it's almost midnight & grades are due tomorrow! tomorrow also brings the last day of school (ashe!). i am so happy this year is over & done with. i've learned a lot about myself. learned that i'm not the dopest teacher on the planet...yet...*smile*...i've got lots of growing to do, but i am much more patient than i once thought.

II.
recently i stepped out of my comfort zone & began taking Capoeira--Afro-Brazilian martial arts. after my first class, every single inch of my body ached. i could barely walk, let alone attemp a one-leged push-up! but i kept going. today i am a lot less sore, a lot more confident in my Ginga & ready to learn even more. playing Capoeira makes me feel powerful. i feel like i have the spitit and the energy of the ancestors coursing through my limbs with each movement. perhaps i am overthinking it, but i like the way i feel when i am in the roda.

III.
friday we are flying out to see beloved. i can't wait to see him & this belly he speaks of! it has been over 6 months since i looked him in his eyes and said hello. for a week we will dance, wine & dub on the visit floor...slow & savoring every inch of time.

damaged collateral

I.
yesterday joseph came
home       draped in crimson
muslin smelling       gentle
          white lotus leaves
bowing underfoot

they call him hero
help him
          into the cadillac
hoist old glory
and play riffles
like trumpets in a parade

was it worth it?
               mother sobs
was it worth it?
               we all wonder      angry

he came home
like this

II.
fireworks paint the sky
      orange
               red
                    a ghastly purple
Mosul erupts           a cacophony
of women and wailing
babies struck down

without uttering a sound
we watch
seduced by the blood
pooling silently
beneath our feet

ok, so i've found a glitch in the matrix...you won't be able to see the full layout if you are accessing the web from places that block certain sites (like my job)! that is annoying. i will have to find a new hosting site for the images...but i'll be up and running room. i was up till like 1am working on this site! it WILL work! lol.

bless

so, i was feeling restless & wanted a change.

you like?

(one of the walls in my classroom)


there are 17 days left in the school year (!!!). i have been counting down since day 34. each day my students are itching for me to change the amount of days, and to be honest, so am i.

with each day that falls away from the calendar, i am one step closer to summer. one step closer to hanging out w/ my son. one step closer to seeing (hugging.kissing.holding beloved!), and one step closer to NOT having to wake up at 5:45am.

i'm SO tired

i'm exhausted. teaching has been the most difficult experience of my life. this year has felt like THE longest year of my life. these kids--my kids--ask (demand) for every ounce of energy i have. i leave here feeling tired, drained, but not completely "out of it." my coworker next door says that your first year is all about endurance & survival...and he continues to say that "you just have to think the kids are funny." when he first said that, i thought he was loosing his mind. afterall, he has been teaching for quite awhile (and had just got several teeth knocked out playing softball--crazy!), so i attributed it to burn-out. but he has a point. if i couldn't sit back and laugh at all of my kid's quirks (and manish ways), i'd drive myself crazy.

this year i strived to teach my kids how to be better writers & open them up to new things. i'm not sure how much i've succeeded, but i know where I went wrong, and where i can improve for next year. being a reflective teacher is key to being a successful teacher.

i have come to the realization that i don't have ANY control over what happens to my students at home, on the schoolyard, or in other classes. all i can control is what happenes in room 234. i want my room to be a shelter, a safe space where they allow themselves to take risks, to learn, and to love learning.

i haven't quite gotten there yet, but soon come.

bless