("why you wanna go and do that?"
remember that joint? Q-Tip. LOVED it!)

so tomorrow is thursday, and i spent the better part of today (who am i kidding?), i spent the WHOLE day at home...loving it. my voice, or lack there of, gave me an excuse to play hooky from work. i mean, it's hard to work an urban classroom with no voice, so i fell back. being home ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS makes me miss not being here full time.

when i first had the munchkin and was on maternity leave i absolutely dreaded going back to work. i searched high and low for something i could do from home, but who was i kidding, i needed the stability of my job. beloved had just gotten locked up, and we didn't know what we were looking at. so i did the grown-woman thing, and put my needs/wants last.

i can't really say that i LOVE teaching. there are things that i love about it, things that i hate, and things that frustrate the hell out of me, but overall? do i feel like it's my "calling", my "true passion"? not so much. i mean, i totally see myself teaching is SOME capacity, but not middle school. at the end of this year i am going to start searching for a gig at a high school. perhaps slightly older students will bring a welcomed change and give me some new perspective. i shouldn't dread going to work. not that i DREAD it, but i should be looking forward to it.

don't get me wrong, i'm thankful i have a job and i don't treat my students as if they are just a pay check. even though i'm not happy every single day, i still realize the weight of my job. there are things they need to know before stepping out of my classroom, and i break my neck to make sure they learn them.

but am i happy?

beloved's appeal was denied.

my life has been somewhat on hold for the better part of 3 years, waiting to find out what will come of this situation. now we know. we now know that we have 9 summers to prepare for his homecoming. and i now know that i can push play while we continue to wait.

i have been putting off a lot of things in beloved's absence. i have been so available to him, so willing to put my needs on hold to make sure we are able to see him regularly. flying out to see him is very expensive, but necessary. our son, now aware that beloved IS his dad, asks about him more and more. every time the phone rings he asks "is that daddy?" and he's even told me he wants to go to the airport, so we can see daddy. it causes me to smile, and at the same time feel a bit of sadness. but it's up to us, beloved and i, to make sure this little boy has everything, feels loved, and knows that, no matter what, we will be here for him.

these words are starting to feel a bit...defiant? no, i am not leaving beloved. quite the opposite. i am stepping out and becoming the woman that i need to be to carry this weight. to be the mother, the wife, that experiences and appreciates life, so that i can love even more fully.

i went to see a Realtor last week. this was another thing i have been putting it off in the hopes the appeal would come through. but i went to see her, and despite my doubts, it is possible for me to buy a home (i've even talked to the loan guy). so that is my focus right now. for now, we will stay put on the West coast. it's just easier. my family is here, i have a network of people i know i can call on to watch the munchkin, and my job is here. perhaps in a few years, as the munchkin grows older and needs to see his dad more often, we will head east. but for now, i am focusing on buying a home.

i am no longer putting our lives on pause. i am going to live for today, and plan for tomorrow. i will experience all that i can & love harder and more deeply.
~*~

today i am taking the munchkin to his gymnastics class, then i'm meeting up with my co-worker to see Danny Hoch's one-man show, Taking Over. i'm excited.

i hope y'all have a great day & weekend!

i have been trying
to leave you for years. alone
now shoulders heavy

weight like sunrise. far
to go. we opposite. love
harder. in spite of all       things

stay pushing ahead
daily struggling to keep
above hopelessness

we fight for this life
this right to touch fingertips
anew. we grow, old.


(c) me. 2009.

today was a bad day.

and that's saying a whole lot, considering i don't have "bad days" (i'm a diehard optimist). but today came really close. it started off innocently enough. i've actually been getting to work eariler than normal. i made copies, dropped off tech equipment to my coworkers (i'm in charge of it), and then proceeded to our weekly team meeting. when my teaching day started, period 2, i was prepared, my students were engaged and we actually got through a pretty good lesson. i was being observed & i think i'll have a good report.

then it fell apart *insert ominous, overly dramatic movie music* it was time for my 3rd & 4th period, my intervention group.

my intervention class is a challenge everyday. in this class, i aim to help kids who are functioning far below grade-level (like 2nd or 3rd grade reading level) rise to meet the state standards. not only are we faced with academic challenges, many of my students are, uh, a tad touched. several of them have been having behavioral problems since elementary school and have carried the same mentality to middle school. it's literally a struggle. i come with lots of positivity, and the more positive i am, the crazier they can be. i'm sorta at a loss as to how to reach ALL of them. today, one student, a girl, FLIPPED out on a male student and it took 2 adults (myself included) to try to keep her away/off of him. now, we aren't supposed to touch students, but i don't allow anybody to get beat up on in my room. so, while we are attempting to restrain her (and believe me, she's STRONG), the rest of the students are hyping up the situation, damn near screaming "fight, fight," like this was some sort of gladiator match. i dunno. teaching is one thing, i got that, but my students need holistic services--mental, emotional, educational--that just cannot be served by me alone.

we constantly hear about the deterioration of our schools and the achievement gap for black and latino students, but no one is addressing their issues. everything cannot and will not be solved through Shakespeare and algebra. these kids need coping skills. they need to know how to deal with their emotions. they need to learn how to make sound choices and avoid the bullshit. otherwise, they will be lost. and then what will we do?

monday came loudly
pushing weekend hard like i
belong to him, alone

not ready. buzzer
rings anyway. damn. too early
to be out, workin'

bell rings. students scat.
leaving notes, books, brains open
pour as much and fill.

traffic sucks. badu
sings me home, tranquil, though horns
blaze loudly through night

air fresh like new rain
poured over the city. repeat.
routine. day breaks soon.


~*~
(c) me, 2009. read.savor.repeat.