hello, it's me

i'm back. i'm alive. saw beloved. he is thin, yet hopeful. we are deep deep in love. kissed for 1 hour straight. our son is growing. he is cruising. i am tired. exhausted. teacher training has begun. am i really going to be ms. __________(word?). crazy. life is moving so fast now. must sleep. must rise early. will be back, promise. peace.

temper tantrum


lately my nearly 10-month old son has been acting a bit crazy. he's very smary, knows what he wants, and when he doesn't get it he pitches a little fit. my mother immediately jumps into "oh no he didn't" mode, while i have been pretty lax about it because, after all, he's just a baby, right?

his outburts--flialing his arms, yelling, crying, and hitting the table when he doesn't get his way--have been happening a lot more lately. it's giving me cause for concern. the last thing i want my child to be is one of those white kids who yell at their parents and fall out on the floor at the mall. i ain't going out like that. but how do you let your child grow up and learn how to be himself, but at the same time, set boundaries so he knows how to act?

sometimes i think i'm a little too relaxed, but then again, i'm just learning as i go. the munchkin is the test kid. my first born. the one i try out EVERYTHING on, so when i have other kids i can take what i've learned and apply it to them. besides, it's really too early for spankings and when i say no he just shakes his head no. i want him to be confident, not shy like i was. he's already very smart. he says "hi" and "yeah" and something that sounds very close to "cat." he loves to be outside and just take in the world, looking at everything. his new obsession is with spitting. it's gross, but cute at the same time (and messy when i'm trying to feed him oatmeal & he spits it out).

i'm learning that parenting is a process. no matter how much i read or ask my mother and grandmother, it ultimately comes down to how i want to raise my child and what i think is right. they may laugh and shake their heads at me, but like them, i'm learning as i go. and hopefully like them, i will raise an intelligent, loving, caring child. i can tell you this though, it's fun watching him grow and change right before my eyes.

travel insecurities



it is not enough that we have to stand in long lines, remove our shoes, get fondled by TSA staff, and be damn near strip searched to ride on a plane these days, but NOW we have to drink baby formula (and breast milk?) too?

i am all for safety. God knows i don't want to end up being blown up just trying to get on a plane, but i am a little weary of the new travel restrictions. i am flying to new york next week to visit beloved, and according to the new mandates, i can't take any liquid on board, which is fine except i have a baby. and babies require food. and the munchkin drinks Enfamil. according to the TSA i'll have to taste it before it can be allowed on the plane. easy enough, right? WRONG! any mom knows that once you pop the seal on the formula, it's a wrap. it starts to expire. so even if my child isn't hungry, has just eaten, and isn't due for another feeding for four hours, i'll have to open up his formula and take a swig to prove i'm not a terrorist?

playing the fear card...

the media is all whipped up into a frenzy. flights have been canceled, people are pissed, and the thwarted terrorist attack may or may not have ties to Al Qaeda. every time there is another story, another foiled terrorist plot, another radical brown person on tv, i feel like the media (or government or whomever) tries to make us all believe we're going to die. they tell you to remain calm, live your life, but every news story talks about what could have been, how many people COULD have been killed, when and where the next attack will occur, and why we need to "remain vigilant" against the terrorist. if i were a conspiracy theorist, i might say that this whole liquid terror plot comes at a mighty convenient time. the US & UK are getting our asses kicked by the international community because we have laid back and let Israel bomb the allah out of Lebanon, and the administrations are in need of a distraction. you know, something to remind the world that there are evil doers lurking around every bottle of Pantene.



Related Tags: terrorism, TSA, airports, travel, terrorist attacks, uk terror plot, travel restrictions, airport security, Airport security measures

wha gwan, star?



i love my man like
cook food
like star apple
mango leaves passion
fruit cool like
breeze over mountains dem

beloved speaks
to every piece of
i and i and we
will make it
cuz love is
stronger
than
this


[ i got inspired by xavier and his blog. i couldn't help but vibe off his poetry. thanks for the inspiration.]

nervous energy


today i woke up feeling horrible.

last night my stomach was rumbling and in pain. i didn't sleep. i chalked it up to nervousness. you see, yesterday, before i left work, i handed in my letter of resignation. it's time to move on, take a short vacation, go see beloved, and come back to start my teaching gig. so, i was nervous about seeing my boss today. i didn't want to feel awkward and have that weird interaction that you tend to have with people after you tell them you're quitting.

this morning, i felt sick, but i figured a hot shower would get me back on track. when i came out of the shower i felt dizzy. felt like i was going to collapse. my son was starting to get impatient. he was tired of being in his crib and sesame street was no longer keeping him entertained. i still tried to keep it together and get dressed, but the more i moved, the more i felt like i would end up crashing to the floor. i knew then that i couldn't go to work. then the dizziness made me nauseous. i haven't felt that sick since i was pregnant. all i could do was lay down and try to call someone to come pick up the munchkin.

i called my mom & my older brother, no one was picking up their phones. when i finally got a hold of my mom, i managed to make the munchkin a bottle and seat him in his bouncy chair. when my mom came to get him, i was passed out on the couch and he was 2 seconds away from eating a quarter.

times like these, i REALLY need beloved. need to call him at work and ask him to come home. to come take care of me and make me feel like everything will be ok. pick up our son, take him to the park, bring me some soup or pineapples. baby me a little.

missing him is tough. i can't wait to see him. speaking to him today made me feel better. hearing the concern in his voice, his calming words, the love that flowed, eased my headache a bit. speaking to him made going to the doctor bearable. he had to TELL me go to. if it were up to me, i would have laid on the couch or the floor for the entire day. hell, it probably would have been more productive than dragging myself to the doctor. she did nothing for me. guessed at my condition. told me that perhaps i had a stomach flu (huh?), then perhaps it was a sinus infection (wha?). told me a sinus infection could cause dizziness and the headaches. i feel like i could have diagnosed myself better if i would have gone to WebMD, but whatever. i do feel better now (no thanks to her). i guess i just needed some rest and to relax. whatever happens at work for the remainder of my time there happens. i'll continue to work hard until my last day.

i'm happy tho. excited to be moving on, but scared. hopefully i'll be a good teacher. hopefully i'll make a difference. hopefully...my class won't be full up with bad ass kids.