the weekends fly by so fast these days. teaching is a job that doesn't allow much "me" time. i feel as though i'm constantly doing something, and when i'm not, i'm recovering.

if anyone is still reading this...you probably remember what this blog USED to look like. it was cute (like me..ha!). but now it's ordinary, sort of like the words that sit on this page. no spark, no heart. just flat and waiting.

i want to freshen up this space. i want to do lots of things, but i'm afraid they may get burried by life. we are 20 days deep into the new year, and i have yet to make any resolutions. not that that in it self MEANS anything, but at least i'd have a goal. so here it is....my goals for this year...

1. be a better mommy
2. be a better wifey
3. get healthy
4. take control of my money
5. be happy & LIVE life without holding back

so much of my life feels as though its on pause. i want to get my credit & money straight because i want to buy a house. but the other part of me feels...guilty/sad...that i won't be able to inhabit that house with beloved, at least not for a while. i want to do great things in life, but i oft times feel like i should wait to do them with him. it's a constant battle, but i can't put our lives on hold because we're not all together. i'm seriously considering moving back to NY cuz i miss my man...deeply. being able to see him so much over the break just hammered home the necesity for us to be together. and for him to have a relationship and SEE our son grow up--not just through pictures and visits every few months, but to see the changes the munchkin goes through each week--is so valuable...i don't want either one of them to miss out on that experience.

decisions, decisions. whatever i decide i pray i'm making the right choice for all of us. especially me.

life moves so fast & yet so slow all at once. it's been months since i came to this blog and flooded it with my thoughts. things have been crazy and it's hard for me to even know where to begin. so i'll just let it flow...

beloved was sentenced to the max. the judge totally ignored everything. we are appealing, but he began serving his sentence a few days before christmas. he was officially transfered into state custody on the 22nd & we made our first trip (of many) to a prison on the eve of the new year. crazy. who would have ever thought we'd be spending the new year sitting across from a table from each other in an upstate prison? i can't even begin to comprehend the life we have ahead of us: more collect calls, packages, more letters, the distance, the absence...sometimes it's unbearable, but then i remember how much i love this man & it's worth it. to see him play with our son is PRICELESS! what a life, yo.

shifting gears....today is the first day back to school after winter break. i need another week off, but it's not happening. today feels so weird. i don't really have the heart to be here, to deal with the mouths of my students. but alas, i'm here...grinding.

i feel like i should have something profound to say, seeing as i've been gone for so long, but i'm mentally drained. i was in NY for 3 weeks, made the trip up to see beloved every day of last week, and then traveled home and have been going non-stop since Friday. i'm tired, and it shows. i will try to write more. i have been taking my laptop to work and am going to try to write on my off period. it helps to clear my mind.

i wish all of you a blessed new year.

peace.